Shellito talks about typical 'doods', part one.

So i'm talking to this woman last night. I don't remember how it got brought up, but we're talking about what we like in women. We both like women, so we kind of compare notes.

In the course of the conversation, i tell her that the average dude [ "dood" ] will say he'd like to watch two chicks at once, but more often than not, he's really lying to himself.

First off, it kind of gets back to the anal sex thing. If i haven't told the story [ i haven't ], it's like this: there's someone who did an advice show here on Austin Access before i did. She liked to talk about sex and when she wasn't talking about sex, it looked like she was busy eating every mouthful of methamphetimine that she could. But that has nothing to do with the story. So she would get calls from guys and one of the most typical one was, "How do I get my girlfriend to have anal sex with me?" Her answer was short, but perfect. Her advice was, "Here's what you do: You need to let her shove something the same size as your penis into YOUR ass, and then hammer at it for a while. Afterwards, you can stick yours into hers."

EVERY SINGLE GUY who asked that question and got that response all had the same thing to say, "Uh uh. I ain't no fag ! I don't like shit stuck up my ass !" Well, the first thing i have to wonder there is, if anal sex is a "fag" thing, then what does it say about you doods who want to stick your tallywhacker into your girlfriends ass? But again, that has nothing to do with the story. The Story is actually about hypocrisy.

Now, let's apply some of this to the typical guy fantasy of seeing two chicks [ or more commonly, "Man, I'd love to see two lezzies go at it with each other" - Um, i wonder how many of these doods have seen some of the Mister Sisters that Joe Bob Briggs refers to as "Naugahyde Sofa Women", or "lezzies" to the typical Howard Stern lemming ]. Basically it's like this... in the mindset of the average Dood, it's all well and fine for a girl to want to smooch and on and sleep with another girl as long as:

I don't know what's more pathetic... the mindset alone or the fact that most of these guys are the kind of guys who get all excited to watch the most homoerotic sport known to man: Football [ the American version ], wrasslin [which is potentially even MORE homoerotic than football ] and like to sit around and talk about NASCAR, of which most of the drivers look like either gay cops and/or models from a Tom of Finland drawing.

I had a caller on the show some years ago who languidly described how much he'd love to see two "lezzies" go after each other. My response was, "Yea... that'd be really sexy watching them rub their spare tires all over each other, all that armpit hair sticking out, legs that haven't ever seen a razor and that fem-mullet hair just all over the place while they tongue kiss." He was even more disgusted than i was and protested, "No ! I mean, soft feminine lesbians..." At that point i told him, "Well Dood, if you're serious, have your girlfriend let you play with a guy while she watches and maybe you'll get lucky and return the favor." He got adamant and angry, then i hung up on him. He probably went to a glory hole afterwards.

Of course none of these guys are gay... not even when they're gagging on their girlfriends strap on... whatever.

swt.
july 2001