Less Filling, Tastes Great and Other Lies

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The Rape of a Factory Processed Mind

Let's get right to it, eh? We buy stuff. Some stuff we want, some we need but the vast majority of it is stuff we've been encouraged to need. It's the Smiths vs. the Jonses, it's status, it's sometimes a compulsory urge to satisfy a need that is created to satisfy a shortcoming in another area of our life (much like compulsive eating, drinking, gambling and yes, even sex).

Most of the time, it's spit polished rhetoric that would have us believe that our lives are incomplete without the barrage of "frendly persuasions" in nearly every breath we take. We are trained by advertisers that esoteric wants become needs on par with the first of Maslow's rungs. We are lab rats in a marketing maze and our collective intelligences are given the same level of respect of that rat in that maze.

Did you ever think of how strange it would be to watch television and not be innundated with comercials? What if you listened to the radio without the barrage of used car commercials, beer spots and monster truck rally's? What if you could go to a sporting event and not have every business in your town, every cigarette manufacturer and booze vendor trying to sell you hootch, cancer sticks and more shit than you can shove and pack into your brand new "midlife crisis" family van (complete with cupholders and tampon vending machines... Wait, that's next years models, right?)? What if you could read a magazine or a newspaper and not be barraged with ads? What if newspapers and magazines in particular could write stories about what is REALLY happening in the world, instead of custom tailoring and watering down articles because they're too damned busy worrying about if their articles will offend their audience and thus, their advertisers?

What i intend to do with this page is to pick apart commercial trends, highlight mind numbing, insulting or condecending spots and encourage what i believe to be good advertising. Yes, in light of all the acidic comments above, good advertising does exist. Often times funny but sometimes insightful and entertaining. There's an awatd for such a thing: the Cleo's.

Toilet Paper, Diaper and Baby Wipe Advertisements

I will not be subtle about this one. It's downright OBSCENE that advertisers think it's acceptable to show the asses of infants on diaper, toilet paper and baby product commercials. Do advertisers think that some old lady is going to turn to her friend and say something like, "Oh look Helen. That baby's ass is so peachy smooth. I bet that toilet paper they're selling on that commercial would feel really good on my anus."

Uh. No. I don't think that's going to happen.

But as though that wasn't enough, we have the very sad trend that advertisers have started lately. The next time that you see a diaper or any other commercial that features a baby's ass (how do they do casting calls for baby asses?), notice that the baby is usually laying on a pillow or on the edge of something. The legs are bent somewhat forward and thus the ass of the child is forced to protrude a little more. The fact that this has become a trend for all commercials that feature nude children is just sad.

Pedophiles LOVE any and everything they see that they feel gives their sickness some validity. Guess what assholes? Your toilet paper isn't any goddamned softer just because some ladies hand has stroked some babys ass! Do us a favor, end your miserable existance or just get your balls (or ovaries), removed. No breeding for you.

Here's a tirade on Beer Advertising

Beer. What in HELL is "Less Filling"? What is the motivation to buy a DIET beer (or any beer for that matter) that is endorsed by a transvestite terrier (Spuds Mc Kenzie) or Dick the Creative Genius? What is Bud Man REALLY trying to sell and could someone please PLEASE tell me why in hell i should go buy some chemically laden mediocre macro brew because three fun loving obese frog puppets can chant "BUD-WEI-SER" together? Why is it that so many self appointed beer drinkers in this country make a dialog on how disguisting Coors is, yet rave about Diet Coors (a.k.a. Coors Light)? Diet Coors is nothing more than Coors with more water. Can someone answer me, please?

Speaking of Diet Coors and sad ad campaigns, could someone please explain to me the fascination this guy has with what he calls, "that annoying Glug Glug"? (this is from the 1997 ad campaign of Diet Coors that highlighted a bloke going off about the pure erotic bliss he felt because his beer did not "make that annoying glug-glug"). Hello?!? Did we spend too many weekends at home playing in daddy's liquor cabinet or chugging cough syrup when no one was looking? When was the last time YOU felt so agitated at your Diet Beer Macro Brew Swill because it was going, "Glug Glug"? Did it keep you up for days on end? Did you feel the need to resolve your anger at Glug Glug? Was it a deafening roar in your head that prevented you from sleeping or holding down a job?

Let me clarify something for those of you who are still not with the program:

A bigger mouth on a can of beer means that you can drink more of it faster and get drunk quicker. You should do it. You will be cool.

But back to the issue. It is my suspicion is that beer drinkers will respond to ads that reflect their intelligence or better yet, their mentality. Yes, there is actually a difference between the two. Actually, let me broaden that to all of advertising.

If you want a real beer, drink a real beer. It will be from another country or from a micro brewery. Macro beer = tainted water. Appreciating real beer is a level of cultural appreciation that pars with wine and art. But that's kind of a different direction and not one that i meant to take here.

 Car/ Truck Advertising

Well, i don't have a rant ready for this one today, but i will eventually. In the case that you didn't notice this, the new Spokesman for Chevrolet is Leah Thompson (at least in Texas, it was). Leah Thompson, who in her early days of her career (which was also the pinnacle of it), was the lead role of the 80's über movie, Howard the Duck and a gun toting super patriot of Red Dawn (along with Pat Swayze and Charlie Sheen). Well, it's sad to see someone who used to get top billing now reduced to being a talking head for a company whose idea of competing is to try and have snappier commercials and better public relations than Ford or Dodge (i really don't think that GM has any interest in competing with Honda, Volkswagon, Hyundai or Toyota). If you want some perspective on GM, rent the movie, Roger and Me. It's the first movie by Michael Moore, creator of TV Nation... a show that was so far ahead of its time that many companies feared it and even FOX and Comedy Channel dropped it. If Roger and Me does not make you laugh, shudder and realize how GM holds the people who make it successful, in utter contempt, then chances are you're a mouthpiece for GM.

Cigarette Advertising

note: yes, i am aware that many of the things that i comment on here are no longer the status quo. I wrote this piece many months ago, and though Dicknose Joe is no longer a spokesman for the Cancer Industry, many of my comments are still valid.

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Okay. It's everyones favourite punching bag... and rightfully so. For those who sell an addictive cancerous product and remain proud of it, they deserve to get punched everytime they try to move.

But wait. Maybe cigarette manufacturers aren't so bad. Maybe people decide to smoke because they LIKE to smoke. Maybe they're all adults making adult decisions about what they put in their body. Anyone who smokes who wants to quit can do so anytime they feel like it because they're not addictive. And the advertisers... cigarette advertisers appeal only to those adults who appreciate fine tobacco products.

And this would explain why children in American schools can identify who Camel Joe is but wouldn't have a clue as to who the Secretary of State is. Don't believe me? Ask a child, kid or high school student that question. When they scratch their heads and look like you just recited a line of Wallace Stevens or Hungarian poetry to them, hold up a picture of Camel Joe (a.k.a. Dicknose Joe)or the Marlboro Man, and watch their wee eyes light up. Clearly those advertising houses who abandon their conscious and decide to do cigarette ads have to be held accountable for the mindset that they inspire.

I also think that if any athlete/ driver/ rider, etc... is going to let themselves be endorsed by a tobacco company, they must be mandated to have that tobacco product in their mouth for the entire duration of the event.

Now, not to go too far on a tangent, but let's investigate the meaning of Dicknose Joe.

First off, if you haven't ever noticed (like you've been in a coma for the last 6 or so years), if you cover the head portion of Camel Joe and leave only the 'snout' portion, you have a flacid penis and scrotum. If i can scan in a good picture of this, i'll do so. For now, you have your imagination to work with.

So, what is the meaning of this? Here's what i think: the obvious reference to the penis is, for guys, a sign of verility. A large phallus (Dicknose Joe), enjoying a cancer stick in the presence of other Dicknose Joe's who are usually in the background (and thus smaller) makes for a symbol of reassuring that the person (you the consumer) will have a larger penis (at least that's what your perception will be), by enjoying a Camel or two. Penis envy and cigarettes. What a novel idea!

For those of you who think i'm being preposterous, remember that to marketers and their advertising lackies, you are a piece of clay to be manipulated. You are not a person, you are a collective of statistics to be analyzed and manipulated. You are nothing but a potential dollar sign. But that's okay. See, you're a unique individual, just like the other 5 billion people on the Earth. Wake up and reject Market based consciousness.

Do i hate capitalism? Uh, about as much as i hate to breath clean air. I simply feel it's time to stand up to the propaganda of advertising and start analyzing them with the same mercy that they treat the public. Good advertising is fantastic. Unfortunately in a country where the literacy rate is below high school level, sitcoms are the cultural staple, beer is judged by who has the coolest ad campaign of the moment and the finest cheese is a good ol slice of American that's been machine wrapped in sterile plastic, then i think it would be safe to say that America really doesn't want good advertising. We want more mind numbing schlop with cute slogans, celebrity endorsements and anorexic blonde bimbos filled with silicon and topped off with a skinny little ass like you'd find on a 12 year old boy.

Why do you think i'm talking about jenny mc carthy?

At the least, the tobacco industry should charge about $5 a pack for cigarettes, take the profits that they need (ha!), then take the rest and be mandated by public demand to do two things: publish ad campaigns that describe the effects (both medicinal and financial) of cancer. Two: invest the excess money to be forced to pay for cancer patients whose cancer can be linked to tobacco consumption.

Basically i'm saying that the Tobacco industry needs to be held just as accountable as any other corporation for health , the incurred financial damage that is done. Ask Exxon, Chevron and Occidental (Love Canal, NY) about that.

Free Speech works both ways. They have the right to publish their schlop, we as consumers, as Americans and as humans have the right to VOICE our displeasure and disgust at their flagrant promoting of a product that has taken so many friends, family and for millions, their vitality. My contribution has materialized in the form of a live TV show that i did in Austin, Texas called, Red Herrings.

But in a way, we have no one but ourselves to blame. You create a demand, and Marketers and Advertisers (most of them), go about creating this illusion of need (Says Law). Start to question your purchases, take the time to listen to and support public radio and even television, turn off your televsion once a week, read for an evening, quit surfing; Just take one night a week to step back and question what is real and what is corporate illusion. Because if you don't make the distinction between quality and hype, if you don't start resisting the barage of propaganda that overwhelms us every day, then you get what you deserve.

Open wide, America. Time for another slice of mind numbing shit pizza.