4 september 2001

a new chapter

 

Yes, i really did get this fortune in a cookie. Maybe i can sue because clearly, it's defective.

When i moved back to Texas, it was to do two things. One was to work with my former boss, Darrell, who's one of the best managers and nicest people i've had the pleasure of working with/ for. The other thing was that i was genuinely excited about the company, Works.com . It was the height of the 'dot-com' craze and i was sickened by the flash-in-the-pan millionares that i had seen/ heard so much about.

It was MY turn to be rich, dammit ! Get rich young, work as little as possible. I mean, that's the American dream, right? Heh...

Last wednesday, i was a victim of a series of circumstances. The newest wave of Reaganomics, Part Two is somewhat to blame, but more than that, the culture at Works can be a bit bewildering at times. One of those bewildering moments came to me a few days ago when i was informed that i was being "given the bullet". I use the word "bewildering" because i have an excellent work ethic. I showed up for work at 7.30, i walked around every day to make sure that everyone had what they needed, i helped cover the operator phones and i helped with facilities, security and asset management even though those operations weren't a part of my department. Even by my own ex-boss' admission, i had done all that had been asked of me, and then a little more.

Some people have expected me to be angry, expected me to spew vitrolic, expected me to rant on fuckedcompany and to be filled with piss and vinegar. Not only is this a stupid expectation, but i question if those people have even taken the time to get to know me. My ex made the same assumption about me as well, but in the end, it was her own anger and rage that made her expect it out of me and it became clear to me that she never bothered to get to know me, either.

For the record, i have an extraordinary amount of calm and understanding in my life. But being "at one with the world" is not the same as saying i will be silent, nor is it the same as sugar-coating either facts or my thoughts because i don't want to offend anyone.

---

Something that's very important for me to say here is that when my job at the Industry Standard ended, i was unable to find work for the longest time. I went into a tailspin that led me to one of the darkest chapters of my life. I made a mistake then that i hope to never make again. I based my worth as a man and as a human on my ability to work. I looked for a week, then a month and it was then that i started to bottom out. I felt i had no place in this world and unknown to me, i started a rift between myself and my ex that i was unable to see.

Three months later, i found work but the damage had been done.

I am writing this experience because many of you from Works have already lost your jobs, or will. Even if you don't, please heed my thoughts and carry them with you.

I will not fall into this trap again. I have an outstanding work ethic, good hands, i'm smart enough to learn new technologies, i'm good enough with people to make them laugh and to help them when they run into problems. Ultimately, i have my honor and my dignity intact and those two things mean a lot to me. Job or no job, i can look myself in the mirror and say i did the best i could do and it's THAT outlook that will keep me from despair [and okay, it let's me mock those pretentious cappufrappuchino-sipping, uneducated shitheads that i was talking about last month].

Please do not repeat my mistake. If you've done all you can do, you have a good work ethic and a circle of friends to support you, then keep your head high... you're going to do fine.

 

7 september 2001

my new girlfriend

8 september 2001

the zen of seduction

 

I'm at Half Price Books today. It's where i'm having to do my book shopping these days, since i'm Unemployed. I'm in this weird state of mind that i get now and then. I see everything, all my senses are going at full tilt. When i inhale, when i look at something, when i touch a surface, all my senses are alive and craving more. I find myself languidly staring at various women for one reason or another. I like the way the dress fits her, i like her legs, i like the way she moves, i like her eyes, etc... I didn't come here to stare at women though; that just comes naturally. I'm actually looking for some books i saw there a long time ago. Mythology books based on geography. They were cheap but comprehensive and i thought it'd be pretty neat to have some reference material for the ancient gods of Asia Minor, India, China and Japan. Besides, there's air conditioning there. I mean, we've been lucky here in central texas for the last couple of weeks. The curse of summer was broken with about two weeks of rain, but that's not to say it's not hot when the sun is out.

Indeed, the sun was out and rain or not, it was hot.

I'm wandering up and down various isles, looking for anything that might hold my interest for a moment or two and someone catches my eyes. She's standing on a step ladder and putting books away about a foot or two above my head. She has long blonde hair, glasses and a purple shirt. I find myself standing about 6 feet behind and to the side of her when she leans forward to put away some books. Her shirt rises up and shows her tummy [what Anderson appropriately calls, "The Delicious Middle"]. Her skin is porcelain white and as smooth as marble. Her stomach isn't entirely flat and it curves outward slightly, but only slightly. I am transfixed. This woman has no idea, but i have surrendered to her. At this moment, she is my goddess. I want to feel her skin under my hands, i want to press my lips to her stomach and kiss my way down. She holds herself in that position for a while and stretches even more. More of her midriff is revealed to me and my senses are going full tilt. I stay transfixed for a while yet because among other things, i actually do have a question for her.

She comes off the ladder and starts to do something else when i ask her. She turns to me and it confirms what i suspected; her eyes are very nice. She's wearing glasses, which is always a good thing in my world, and her eyebrows are thick and full. I ask her where i can find the section on music theory. She tells me and i thank her and turn away. A while later, i'm walking to the register when i find myself standing behind a tall blond woman wearing a black dress with thin straps. Her skin isn't quite as pale as the other womans, but her shoulders and back are canvassed with freckles. I like freckles... and brown eyes and nice eyebrows among other things. I found myself a bit puzzled because normally blondes don't even register with me.

I'm standing in line to check out and i'm still going full tilt. I'm registering everything i see and smell. I take a close look at an old Martin Denny album [yes, vinyl], pay for my books and leave. I've been in the store for almost an hour and the air is slightly cooler [but still in the 90's]. The light is a little weaker than it was before as the sun approaches the horizon. I get in my car, roll down the windows and turn up the CD i've had in the player for the last few days [Karsh Kale :: Realize, for those of you who might like to know], and head down Guadalupe towards home.

Between the air, the light and the memory of watching this woman put away her books, i don't even notice the heat.

It's a nice drive home.

 

17 september 2001

infinite sorrow

We'll all have our memories and interpretations of the obscenity the world witnessed 6 days ago. I have a cousin whose been working on the top floor of one of the World Trade Centers for the last two or so years. When my friend Shelly called and told me to turn on the TV and i registered what was going on, my blood turned to fire. All i could think of was Larissa [my cousin] and her safety.

By fate, fortune or chance, Larissa was in another state on that horrid day. I rejoice that she was spared the fate of so many others, but my heart aches when i think of it all. I can't seem to get my fingers around that level of devistation... devistation that was committed because of some zealous cowards with a twisted theology.

And to add insult to injury, Jerry Falwell claims that this travesty happened because of those who refuse to conform to his fascist ideology. The premise of his beliefs is that somehow this nation has been sheltered by God's "devine protection" and that we [the United States] have lost that protection because of feminists, homosexuals, pagans, the ACLU and People for the American Way. The thought that God would somehow prefer a nation of semi-literate rednecks with firearms, fast food drive thru's and a history of genocide [can you say, "Let's give these smallpox blankets to the Indians" ?], making other humans PROPERTY, arparteid, putting our own citizens into concentration camps, or cops who kill a man simply for reaching for his wallet, well... i'd like to say that Falwell has surprised me but in reality he cannot.

Correct me if i'm wrong, but i was taught that God's love is perfect. By extension, that love is given to everyone without prejudice nor bias.

For those of you who care, let me explain what Falwell and his brethren, Pat Robertson and Fred Phelps are about: They are theological fascists who have no tolerance for diversity or thinking that does not agree with their own. They [erroneously] claim that they have the One and True devine interpretation of Gods teachings. And on those points, that is what makes them fundamentalists and by extension, they are spiritual terrorists who have more akin with the Taliban than they do with any moderate or reasonable Christian thought.

Our nation bleeds and reels from the most cowardly and obscene attack on civilization itself and all this fascist coward Jerry Falwell has to contribute is a media masturbation circus for his own political and monetary gain. I think i'll stick with offering my humble prayers, giving blood and when i can, donations of money.

-shelly tumbleson :: 17 september 2001

18 september 2001

the pain of honesty

 

I used to say that the one thing people fear above all else is honesty. I was categorically written off by most people because they didn't bother to understand what i was actually trying to say. It's kind of like the fact that my ex never bothering to understand what i used to mean by the phrase of, "No good deed goes unpunished." This is the story of my life.To explain, what i was trying to communicate is that people generally do not want to face reality when it's harsh, uncomfortable, or just downright frightening. That sort of creates a mindset that selectively chooses which aspects of reality to abide by while ignoring others. One example of this is the mindless optimist who smiles through suffering, death and destruction and thinks the cure to all of life's problems is a Hallmark card.

Of course, the other side of that coin is the worthless pessimist who can only find solace in misery and never bothers to see [let alone feel] the light and warmth of love and life itself.

Another point to mention here is a B'hai saying that a friend of mine taught me: All honesty begins with inner truth. And it's true... the more honest we are with ourselves, the more honest and honorable we can live our lives. We see our dark sides and acknowledge them. We see that we have something to offer the world, that we can bring some light and strength to those who need it. We question our motivations and intents and reveal who we are to ourselves.

But sometimes i just can't bring myself to be honest with someone. Usually it's a matter of "Don't ask if you're not willing to hear my answer." but ocassionally it's that i cannot respect someone enough to be honest with them. Recently, i had such an episode and i "held them to the light" so to speak. That is, i allowed anyone who was interested to see a side of this person that i had to deal with.

However, whenever i'm critical of someone, i really do try to find some good aspect of that person as well. Certainly the person in question is fundamentally a good person, albiet not a good worker or communicator, but a good person nonetheless. Besides, at least they have a job and someone who loves them unconditionally, which are two things *i* don't have. I should have taken the time to explain that aside from everything else i said, this person *is* a good person and in all honesty, treats their girlfriend and child/ -ren very well.

Personally, i think that counts for a LOT.

I cannot apologize for what i said; i will never apologize for saying that which is true. But clearly, i should have been more thoughtful and taken the time to write more.

23 september 2001

WCTAA

 

 

This has been a running joke with me and some friends of mine. I thought i'd finally make it "official".

26 september 2001

3 and a half months, gone.

 

Most of my friends know i'm an artist. Most of those people know i'm a printmaker. Few, if any of my friends know what sort of devotion, time, patience and technical knowledge it requires to BE a printmaker. I've been making prints for 4 or 5 years now and i STILL don't know much about the technique of such things.

Anyway, i've got these two plates i've been working on for three and a half months. From the start, anything that could go wrong, seemed to. My white ground stayed on for so long that when it went into the acid, much of the ground lifted, causing way more copper to be etched than was supposed to be.

It was a sign of things to come.

Last night i had one of my final etches to do. Nothing serious, but i needed to bring some contrast to an area and add a few basic elements to another. It took forever for the ground that i was using as a mask to harden. We just had a cold front come in, so it was taking longer than usual for the ground to harden.

Great. In the acid they go.

Out of the acid they come.

I forgot about one plate and it ended up "cooking" for 10 minutes too long. That was bad enough, but i might have been able to salvage that. Unfortunately my problems didn't end there. Both plates had the ground lift, which exposed parts of the copper to the acid that i needed to stay unexposed. Unfortunately these are the kinds of problems that i can't just recover from.

So i lost 3 and a half months of work.

Oh well.... it's like my friend Kevin taught me, "Tide goes in, Tide goes out..."