6 May 2001

my heroes fell.

The winds have shifted to the North again. A storm is outside making the night somewhat more interesting than the ones we've been having for the last week or so. The rain is firm and steady, the flashes of light in the distance and the delicate blanket of thunder are each in symphony tonight. It's a perfect night and a perfect night for listening to Exit (aka: Ausgang) or maybe to nothing at all.

Let's see... oh, my heroes fell. Sigh... i'm not disappointed, really. I knew they were struggling all season and teams like the Avalanche and the Blues were eating up the West like a limb shredder going through wet toilet paper. The Stars had been having trouble with speed and their offensive game had been lacking as well. They got past the first round, which was as far as i thought they could go this year (mostly 'cause i knew they'd face St. Louis or Colorado in the 2nd round), and sure enough, they faced St. Louis after getting through the meatgrinder that Edmonton is.

Oh well, it's like a friend of mine used to say, "Tide goes in, Tide goes out..." As sure as NJ, Colorado and St. Louis are THE teams to beat this year, they too will falter eventually. The Stars will be back next year, possibly without Brett Hull (i do hope he stays, though), and some of the veteran players will most likely be replaced with younger players who can snipe and play the body and bounce back.

Who knows? Maybe one day, people can hold their heads up and claim that they're Bruins, Islanders or Halbs fans. =)

I guess it's time to have some surrogate heroes until the fall begins.

And as usual, if you don't "get" hockey, then it's pretty much the same as jazz... if you don't get it, you never will. No explaining from me will help.

Okay, let's see... i was supposed to go see Merrick Brown spin last night at Texture, but... BUT... BUT... someone once again, BAILED on me. Sigh... i am the only straight guy in Austin who can't find anyone to go dancing with.

Yes, yes yes... i hear you. "Why don't you go alone?" Simple, 'cause at nearly 35, i'm quite a bit older than the usual crowd of X'ing, pacifier sucking, stupidly clad kindergarten fashion show teeny-boppers that are the norm at any place serving up jungle, house or trance.

Believe it or not, i actually had something of substance tonight. Maybe it was the olive skinned goddess at the gas station (AND she wore glasses), maybe it was my latest round of not so friendly observations that i've made about something i saw on tee vee, maybe it was talking about the party i went to yesterday. Unfortunately, my thoughts have once again fled that little ramshackle of a mind that i have and i am left, offering only nothing. Stupid brain.

Oh well, at least i get to end this listening to Remote Viewing, and i'll get to sleep to the chorus of rain and thunder tonight. Sure, i'll wish for more, i'll be somewhat discontented, but if there's no one else there, rain and thunder are the next best things to have at my side.

oyasumi nasai.

7 May 2001

i remembered.

I finally remembered what it was that i wanted to write about last night. No tremendous revelations, no fanfare, heck... it's not even that big a deal really. It just seems that i was talking to a friend of mine who had to end her relation with her (now) ex wife a little more than a year ago. We were just talking about the dynamics of relations and how so many problems could just be avoided with a little effort towards communication.

I was reminded of what a friend of mine used to tell me; that all truths stem from inner truth. That is, when you start to be honest with yourself, everything else just kind of falls into place. And just as omitting something is just another form of lying, it's my observation and belief that when people start refusing to acknowledge themselves, when they fail to look within for their own personal truth, then by extension, they cannot communicate with the world around them anymore.

The end result of all of this is those who can communicate will always let off whatever internal problems they're having. Assuming they're balanced individuals, they'll blow steam off as they gather it. The one's who can't or won't look within... they live a life of lies, even if those lies are by omission. They cannot communicate; they harbor and nuture resentment, animosity and anger. They self destruct and they destroy, destroy, destroy all that is around them.

I know.

So, to those of you would take my words to heart (and they're not my words, really; i'm just finding MY way of saying what has been taught to me), i encourage you to look within... to contemplate, to ponder, to stare at the chasm between you and whom you love... to illuminate the darkness of uncertainty with the brightness that hope and preserverance bring. And in doing so, i'll wish you be spared the ravages of those who refuse to understand the meaning of hope, of commitment and of love itself.

Oyasumi nasai.

13 May 2001

an alter to worship.

Okay, some of you, espeically most of you who know me in my personal life hear me grouse about what a perfect ass is all about. You've heard me bellyache, piss, gripe, decry and whine about the current status for women to be androgynous below the boobs. That is, American women are indoctrinated into thinking they must shun any and all curves that might make her seem feminine in the waist, hips, ass and legs. Curves are sexy... U-Turns on a roll of stomach is NOT. A cute tummy is extremely feminine; a woman with shape, curves and SCHWERVE is classy.

Anyway, i finally have a picture that's worthy of posting. I found it on Nerve.com and thought it was nice enough to post here.

Oh. For those of you who have good bandwidth and like to groove to House music*, i have found the most consistantly wonderful Shoutcast station around: Poundhouse. Check em out when you can and turn up the base.

*If you're just curious, you'll need to download and configure Winamp (it's free) but you'll need DSL or better to get the best experience.

30 May 2001

on the cusp of dullness.

Occasionally i start to fantasize. No, not THOSE kinds of fantasies, but i'm sure i have a few of those now and then. And i certainly don't have THOSE kinds of fantasies... ever!

It started when i was living in SF. My job was unchallenging and though there were some good people there, there was at least one Weasel of Mediocrity who constantly undermined me. During a company meeting, i explained that it was time to migrate the mail services from UUCP (running on a Mac SE/30 and a 14.4 baud modem) to POP/SMTP. He was a vice president, though the title was solely political. At any rate, i explained that UUCP was as technologically useful as 7 day underwear. His only question was, "With this new QuickMail, will I still be able to unsend mail?" I don't know how i managed to keep my mouth shut, but i came THIS close to asking him in return, "Why do you send mail out that you have to unsend?" He then proceeded to veto my decision, even though he had the IS/IT job qualification of a compost heap (but in true SF tradition, he was quite enamored with his image).

Looking back, i think i was scared of losing my job in a city where a "cheap" apartment was $1000 to $1500 a month.

Sigh... i'm getting away from my original point here.

Anyway, it was about that time i started walking during lunch. Occasionally i'd walk as far as Pier 39 to play videogames, or maybe a little less far to see the sea lions. I started wanting to walk further and further away and it became harder and harder to go back. I had nothing to go back to. I started recalling the stories of men who had gone to lunch from their dead end job and never came back. These men started walking and they walked away from everything they had. Job, wife, kids, mortgage, etc... I started admiring them. No, not for their abandoning their wife and kids; that was wrong. As someone who's been abandoned more than once, there's no excuse for it. But i have to confess, the idea of getting up and walking and walking and walking until the cacophony of "the grind" is reduced to a dim memory... it sure does seem inviting... almost as inviting as the thought of taking a trip to the northwest to see pine trees that disappear into the blue sky (or grey canopy, if it's raining). To smell the ocean, to see the sun boil into the ocean at days end, to eat fresh fish, fresh beer and maybe find a small mountain to hike. To reduce "the grind" to a distant noise.

Maybe a trip that all starts with a casual walk? Maybe in a few years, but not now. Airfare is much cheaper than a good pair of boots and a decent backpack. Besides, i kind of like my job right now.

I keep thinking of my Paths; the one i should be on and the one i've made for myself. They are separate and distinct, and the only reason i chose the one i'm currently on is because i believe eventually it will be a better one. Here's to hoping it is.

And here's to hoping that this is your year, Mr. Borque. I hope you get to hoist The Cup this time around. Lord knows, you've earned it.