11 February 2001

new sections .

 

  

 

I've almost forgotten about this journal. It may be a lack of anything interesting or important to talk about or it may just be that i seem to have developed this nasty knack for forgetting people and things and going on with my life without hesitation.

It's been a sloppy, damp weekend. Friday night was watching the Icebats play like a bunch of Nancy-boys, only to wake up just in time to make a pair of well fought points to tie the game. They would go on to lose the shootout in the 2nd OT, and in the process, i would lose my voice to screaming too much. Then there was the Goddamned Revlon Squad of Camel Toed White Trash that was sitting in front of us. Okay, pardon me while i go off on a tangent for a while here, but i need to say someting: If you're at a hockey game, do NOT get up and walk around while the puck is in motion !!. In the civilized world, this is what we refer to common sense. I've seen head traumatized Rhesus monkeys overdosed on Ny-Quil with better common sense than these polyester slack bimbos. I mean, do you get up and walk in front of people in the theatre? Do you ? No, of course not. But when it comes to hockey, these idiots who don't know what team to root for, let alone etiquitte. I mean, whathefuck are these idiots there for if they're not even going to watch the game? Some bold social statement that says that you got free $10 comp tickets to a game for being the best ass kisser in the office that week? Please... Look, it's not as though we ask a lot of you, but the rules are simple. 1) You're in OUR house now. We have been with the team since the first year and we go as often as we can to support them. 2) Watch the game and holler for the good guys. 3) If the puck is in motion, that means don't get up and block everyones view just 'cause you want to go compare cameltoes with one of your other office bimbos that you see in another section.

So after all the screaming, i realized i couldn't talk anymore. Some call that a Godsend. But at any rate, that would make last night, saturday night, a little slow on the socialization department, but that's okay. It was still a nice party with lots of really excellent people. I'll post some pix later.

Oh. One word of advice: if you're at a party and someone... maybe like me, brings some bread and red pepper pesto (or any kind of pesto for that matter), do yourself a favor: don't go overboard on it. Why? Um, well, let's just say that oil has a certain profound effect on anyone who eats too much of it.

Today, sunday, has been nice. I haven't done any of the things i wanted to get done, but i've started working on my macintosh more and more (Dual Proc G4, in case you were wondering) and a little sorting and cleaning. The Stars have the night off, so i'm able to stay away from the tee vee tonight. I thought about going to see Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? or maybe Snatch, but as it is with all my weekends, time slips through my fingers like grabbing at raindrops. Besides, there are a handful of things i just do NOT like doing alone. Going dancing is right there at the top of the list, going to movies alone is a close 2nd.

Oh... I almost forgot. I'm starting a couple of new sections. One is called T H O U G H T S and the other is S O U N D S (in development). The former is various random thoughts that cross my mind that aren't really rants. Maybe a memory, maybe an observation, maybe some kind words for someone or perhaps something else entirely. These are basically some of the things that i've posted at NERVE. The latter is basically a recommendation for music that has impressed me one way or another. It might be something new and energetic (jungle, house, trance, etc...) or more old school (Bop, West Coast Swing, progressive, etc...). This section will take a long time to develop.

 

 

 

13 February 2001

i almost forgot.

 

  

How could i do this? How could i forget to sharpen the knives of rhetoric and prepare to feast on the cruelest and most inhumane Hallmark imposed holiday in the world? That's right, i'm talking about Valentine's Day. The day when those who are getting laid are set aside and placed on a social pedistal higher than those who aren't. It's the same day when every guy in a relation feels the cold barrel of Valentine's Day shoved into his back and hears the hammer of expectation being pulled and locked.

I hate Valentine's Day. It doesn't matter if i'm in a relation or not. If i am, i don't need a day to remind my lover that she's more important to me than anyone else in the world. I mean, that's something i should be doing each and every day, week, month or year i'm with her. If i have to wait until Hallmark tells me that i need to pay special attention to my girlfriend, then i'm not going to have a girlfriend for long. Nor do i deserve one.

"But Shelly... Valentines day is for showing love to EVERYONE you know." Oh dear, let me put this as delicately as i possibly can, "Bullshit". How many times do you send cards, candy or give a romantic dinner to your grandparents, friends, or co-workers for Valentine's Day? I'm guessing the national average is somewhere around... oh, Zero! How many times do you see VD portrayed as a day to "spread the love" to everyone? No no no. Valentine's Day is about being exclusive and nothing less. It is a social device to separate "THEM" from "US". Valentine's Day is a burning knive to dig into the heart of lonliness and isolation and for many, it simply exacerbates those feelings... isolation, lonliness and even shame.

Now i can hear it, "You're just bitter because you're not getting laid." Okay, fair enough, but if that's what you were thinking... and please take the time to be honest with yourself, then i've just proved my own point by using your own thinking. Oy! What clever ploy is this? It's like i said, Valentine's Day is a device used to separate those "getting laid" versus those who aren't. If you're the kind of jackass who thinks i loathe Valentine's Day 'cause no one is riding the velvet hammer these days, then you're exactly who i'm talking about and making fun of.

The truth is that in years where i've been alone, i've felt the sting of societal expectation and the peer pressure that says, "You're nobody until someone loves you." And i've felt all of the associated feelings that go along with that. As someone who's been in relationships during this day, it feels as though i'm thrust into the spotlight and am expected to do tricks which, more times than not, involve spending copious amounts of money to conform to yet another societal expectation.

"But Shelly, it's not about the money." Well, say whatever it takes to assuage your guilt... or perpetuate your ignorance. If you don't think that women go around the day after and swap and compare Valentine's Day gifts with their girlfriends, then you're not very observant or smart. And yes, i am keenly aware that not all women are that way.

But to the few men and women who take the time to always remind each other how they love one another, to the few out there who know how to love each other in a way that is not demeaning, degrading or hurtful to those around them that aren't as "lucky"... if you happen to be in a relation where a drawing in the sand on a beach and feeling the sand squish between your toes means as much as a fancy dinner (but preferably more), i say congratulations and thank you.

But rest assured, you are very much in the minority.

 

 

22 February 2001

i am tired.

 

  

 

So many things to talk about, but as usual, the sands of time have eroded another day and carved a night sky smeared with pastel clouds that lay somewhere between pitch and orange. It's a mild, sickly industrial glow, but the air is nice (in the 40's) and though the futon is as cold as the floor, it beckons me.

I will write more later.

Good night.

 

 

25 February 2001

kill your bugs.

 

  

 

It was a beautiful sunday. Clear, cool skies, little if any wind, cool enough that being outside wasn't arduous. It was the kind of day where you didn't have to wear shoes and the feel of soft, cool winter grass poking between your toes felt nice, the sun beaming down was a comfort.

I couldn't justify staying inside and cleaning, though that's what i should have done. Instead, i decided to go to my storage facility and once again, start sorting out those things i need to hang onto versus those i need to move away from. Going there is usually not a pleasant experience. Too many boxes of things that my ex and i bought together. The Tick figures, raku plates and bowls, comic books and maybe worst of all, pictures of my girls (kitties), Yoko (from Devil Hunter Yoko) and Eeko. I miss my girls soooo much. It's just a gut wrenching pain that i'll never get over.

At any rate, on the one hand, i was able to throw away many many things that i should have thrown away a long time ago, but didn't (usually to some perceived value or sentimental attachment). This time i decided to just start chucking stuff and if i ended up missing it... well, that's just my tough luck.

I ended up clearing out about two boxes of books, a bunch of odds and ends, a broken 17" Apple monitor, and i finally realized that i really do not need to keep hanging onto my entire comic book collection that i started back in 1982, nor did i need to keep the collection of Penthouses that i had which date back to the same era... when wookie bush ruled (though admittedly, boob jobs, aka "hatchet jobs", were rarer) along with copious amounts of blue eyeliner.

I got out of there with a minimal of emotional stress, but as i was driving home, i saw something both curious and timely. I was driving down I-35 and saw an exterminators business. On their scrolling marquis the following words scrolled across as i drove by, "Kill Your Bugs!" I drove by the sign just as the sign and its words, disappeared from my field of view.

It may not seem like much. It may not make sense to anyone else but me, but given the termoil that was swirling in my mind at the time and given what bugs (as a metaphor) means to me, i took it as a sign. Of course, knowing and doing are quite often, very different things, but there's no denying it, i've let my bugs crawl and burrow and dig into me for far too long.

Oh, i got a letter at boxofbugs tonight. It was funny and sad at the same time. You can read it and my response (in white) here.

Well, there are other things going on, none of which are remarkable, none of which are brunette and or have freckles, but interesting nonetheless. I did find that a nice little fire just isn't as enjoyable alone as it is with friends. I have a lot of brush i need to get rid of soon and i've been wanting to throw a party for a while. Hmmm....

Oh, Dallas lost in OT tonight. They played a great game, but the reality is that Edmonton is razor sharp and quicker than a suckerpunch. My favorite player, Jere Lehitinen, mishandled the puck in the neutral zone which resulted in a breakaway and a very patient and lofty release that few people would have had a snowflakes chance in hell to stop. I can't blame Eddie for that one but one thing is for sure: this game was just a glimpse into the playoffs and the faster teams are going to bear down on Dallas like the Hammer of God. Better get sharp guys and don't forget, Colorado just aquired Rob Blake.