9 April 2001

nothing to say.

So i've come across one or two people who have said, "Hey, when are you going to write in your journal?" This bothers me on two levels. Numero Uno: people actually read this? That's scary enough in and of itself. Numero Two-O: I feel pressured to "perform". My solution? I live my life for the last few weeks like a shallow bimbo, doing my best to think of nothing. Or just trying to stay busy.

And busy i have been. I wrote a few reviews for my Sounds section, i had dinner with 'A' last week, i had many many errands to run this weekend, some more interesting than others, i'm still in printmaking and i'm still trying to read music and play the saxophone. I don't find that i have a lot of time to ponder the world within and the world around me much these days. I have found however, that an old dilemma i've been struggling with for the last two years is here to stay. It doesn't make me loose sleep, but ocassionally the small nagging voice in the back of my mind becomes a Crescendo. I start to understand why people like to drink. I'd drink if i didn't feel so gawd awful shitty afterwards. Or if i liked the taste. Or if it were free. Or if it didn't rape every cell in my body afterwards. Or if i didn't wake up with breath so rotten, it could make a burro cry and my arm around another shallow bimbo.

Come to think of it, drinking sucks.

I really don't know if i have much, if anything to say. There have been no grand revelations for me, dinner with 'A' was nice, but i'm finding that i'm less and less interested in any of the women i've come across in Austin. No offense meant to 'A' meant mind you. I think of her more as a friend and a quick reality check tells me that we'll always be friends more than anything else. I guess it comes down to wanting a real, homecooked meal instead of fast food (i may have already said this). I shouldn't dwell on this since i have no real intention of staying here for any longer than i have to, but it would be nice to go to dinner or dancing or even ice skating with someone that i can click with... but apparently not in this town. Oh well... it reminds me of something that someone i used to know used to tell me: "We're each born into this world alone and each of us get to die alone." I guess i should count my blessings that i have no one to answer to, no one to nag at me (as if i would let a nag be in my life) and no one to create false accusations to pass judgment on me for the sake of justifying their actions. I'll never forget how shitty that is.

Maybe one night i'll explain how i keep meaning to forget about people. It seems to be my newest sabotage and wow, it works great. You meet someone, talk to them for a while and in a few short weeks, i forget them.

There... i just counted my blessings.

Oh, i just thought of something to write about tonight: Let the passions stir, the blood boil, and let commence the greatest epic ever made in the world of all sports. The NHL playoffs are upon us. Life is good.

18 April 2001

the maelstrom .

Why am i watching Stern tonight? Why would i EVER watch this tripe? Well, he's got three Playmates on, two blondes and one brunette. He asked who invented the telephone. The brunette knew. He asked if each of them were 5 decades old, how old would they be. One blonde said "5000 years". One blonde named Suzanne Stokes who was cute in a way (until she opened her mouth) said, "50,000 years". The brunette said, "50". The next question was, "What does the Dee See in Washington D.C. stand for?" One blonde didn't know, the next one was equally as clueless. The brunette got it. He asked them to spell "choir". The blonde who thinks 5 decades is 50,000 years got it after about 5 minutes of struggling. The other blonde knew that the square root of 16 was 4.

There's hope for western civilization yet.

Yes, there are smart blondes so don't feel the need to preach to me. But i can't get over the fact that this is the archetype of beauty for the typical american male; blonde, tig ol biddies, and a brain the size of a pea.

I've said it before, i'll say it again and again, but give me a smartcutefunnysexybrunette with hips, ass and a brain (glasses and freckles are always welcome too), any day of the week that ends in the letter "y" and i'll be happy.

There are a few things going on these days. Some i can talk about, some i can't. What i can talk about is that my t-shirt design (for otaku only) is coming along and i'm hoping to get some printed very soon. I'm doing prints still, though i can't afford to buy copper for new images, and i've got a nasty maelstrom of thoughts and anxieties in my mind that are kicking and screaming for a way out of my head, but unfortunately a combination of time and circumstance will keep me from letting it fall from my fingertips and into my keyboard.

Oh well... maybe another night.

24 April 2001

trust broken.

Last week was grueling. 50 or so people lost their jobs where i work and many of them were friends. I wasn't sure if my job was on the block or not, so there was a certain amount of anxiety that i was dealing with.

Friday night was treating my sister to an overdue outing for her birthday a month ago. We went to see Mister Sinus Theater 3000's rendition of Xanadu at the Drafthouse, and it was hysterical. Saturday night was watching game 6 of the first round of playoffs between the Stars and the Oilers. If you're thinking "Houston" at this point, you really should go find another web site to read.

I don't think i've seen a more intense nor passionate series since Buffalo and Dallas slugged it out for the Cup in 1999. The Dallas matchup against New Jersey for the Cup in 2000 was also comparable. My friend Shelly came over to root for her brother in law, Mr. Ryan Smyth (she was sporting his jersey, signed by him) and i have to admit, i've found a new and deep respect for the Oilers, especially Mr. Smyth and Mr. Georges Laraque. 6 foot 3 inches and 257 pounds of pure muscle kind of commands respect.

And if anything, my faith in the Stars has been re-instated. Jere, Brett and Mikey are some of the toughest, grittiest and persistent heroes to ever skate. And if you were pulling for Edmonton, that's fine too. The cheap shots from both sides, away, and we still had one of the deepest, most passionate and intense series of any sports. The way these teams played, it was as if they were fighting for the Cup itself. This is only my opinion, but the Dallas/ Edmonton series was the embodiment of all that is truly passionate and wonderful about hockey.

But hockey is just a diversion for me right now. The layoffs i mentioned before has had a deep and serious effect on me. I moved halfway across this continent to work this job. Now i feel that my trust has been broken. I feel as though i need to start planning on what i'll do if i lose this job. I keep trying to think of a plan that will allow me to get very VERY far away from Texas and closer to the rain and the ocean. I try to not look around and realize that i really won't miss much from around here other than my friends. The truth is that i never really totally came back but i've yet to find a reason to let that bother me.

Anyway, i'm tired, i'm sore, i'm not quite sleepy but 6 am comes early. I should get some sleep.

29 April 2001

Eeyore's Birthday .

I can't decide which of these is more fucked up. This one, or this one (not for the faint of heart).

Well, it looks as though my Stars are about to drop the first two games against St. Louis, but to their credit, the two goals that St. Louis scored were flukes of sorts. Oh well... Good times come, good times go... but they'll be my heroes for a long time to come.

In other news, i went to Eeyore's Birthday yesterday and it was fun. For those of you who aren't from Austin, Eeyore's is a local tradition that goes back to the 60's. You can read the synopsis here. The original meaning of it is somewhat lost now, but it gives Austin a chance to let the culture that made Austin what it is, come out for a day to have some fun. I've got some shots and some footage that i'll try to post later. Many scantily clad girls, a few drum circles, some crusty old hippies and plenty of ravers.

Three years ago i wouldn't have gone to such a thing, let alone go alone. While i did end up meeting up with some friends, the truth is that i went alone and i danced alone and i didn't give a damn about who saw me or what they thought. It's a good feeling.

Speaking of such, it was 626 Soul that i really went to see. I keep meaning to go see some of them spin when i can, but either the friends i want to go with bail on me or i can't go at all. First up was Coy West. Very good stuff, very energetic, very danceable. Next was Twist-1, who spun some jungle, then Merrick Brown who came afterwards. They were the only 3 DJ's that i saw and i have to admit, Merrick is quite the bad-ass.

Well, i'm sure i've got plenty of things to attend to before this day is over. I'm sore as hell, hungry and though i'm sure i've plenty more to say, i need to spend what little time i have offered to me and get some other things done... like laundry.

p.s. i just found one of Merrick Brown's archived sessions here (you'll have to look for it). Look for the session called Leisure Suit. Unfortunately, it requires Real Audio instead of Winamp/Macamp, but hey, one takes what one gets. Anyway, i'm about half way through this session and so far it's pretty darned righteous.