4 september 2000

the scouring summer

:: i ::

 

 

I don't remember a summer quite like this one. Sure, central Texas gets temperatures up to 100+ every summer, but generally speaking, it only lasts a couple of weeks before it drops down into the high 90's. But it's been 100+ for a month straight now and though it did rain one day, it lasted only for an hour.

The ground is scorched, the grasses are dead (except those stupid selfish individuals who insist on watering that nasty ass St. Augustine) and though most trees have roots deep enough to get to the deeper water, many trees have started to whither and dry.

My dad recently visited Alaska for business and to fish. He said the fireweed (or is it firegrass?) was starting to turn and as i watch the national news, i see that NY, MN and most of the other northern states have started to highs in the 60's. I try to be patient... i try to understand the rhythm and cycle of things and simply accept things as they are and as they will change. It's hard to remember things like rain and fog and cool dry breezes when everything looks and feels scorched.

Sooner or later things will change. The skies will darken and the shroud of rain will fall. Life will be breathed back into the ground and Bull Creek will run again. Eventually it will be cool enough to wear my jerseys again (hockey) and i might be dumb enough to look back and think, "What was so intense about last summer?"

I doubt it though.

   
:: ii ::
 

 

i guess i can talk about the show. That's what this journal is for, right? I forget that a lot.

 

The topic was SUPPOSED to be: Fantasies and their role in a relationship. As a humorous afterthought, i put the following tag line on the screen as well: "The Show that's made better through the power of Creamed Corn."

It's saturday. It's after midnight. There are a lot of drunk people who are still sober enough to know how to use a fone.

We ended up talking about creamed corn. A lot.

There WAS one serious note regarding the topic. A woman called to tell me that in a previous relation she had with this guy. One night, her ex and another guy double teamed her... something which had been her fantasy until that night. Well she said when it was all said and done, she felt like a whore. Apparently the encounter was void of any sensuality. She was simply an orifice or two to get these two guys off and nothing more.

I don't know anyone who wouldn't have felt like she did in her position. Fantasies are one thing, but fulfilling a fantasy without any sort of emotional involvement or compassion or even... romance (?) just seems empty... maybe even contradictory against what fantasies are all about in the first place. I mean, what good if fulfilling a fantasy if it isn't going to help strengthen a relation or help stretch your boundaries?

But that's just me.

   
:: iii ::
 

I cannot seem to find a significant thought in my head today. I have filled todays journal with little more than fluff and a few lines of decent material. Amanda suggested that i talk about asses.

I don't know Amanda very well. I do know she radiates this aura of being very much a woman but sill childish in her own ways; a quality i find wonderful and something i aspire to be. At any rate, if you're tired of reading my thoughts, why don't you go check her site out? Be sure to send her a few kind words too.

As for the subject of asses and such, well time has corroded and chewed this day to the tattered moments i have left before i need to sleep. Besides, i have a note i need to write a certain someone who has recently introduced me to the often overlooked skill of letter writing (the analog type that is. pen and paper and an envelope).

At any rate, thank you for reading.

9 september 2000

co-host(ess) page is up

 

I have added a page describing what i am looking for in a cohost. If you think you have what it takes or would just like an invite to the studio to see what it's all about, please write me.

:: NOTE :: Oktober 2000 :: I am no longer looking for a co-hostess, BUT if you're interested in doing a show and have something you'd like to do, feel free to let me know.

 

 

 

11 september 2000

 

the riptide of conciousness

:: i ::

 

 

It was an interesting show to say the least. We're about 20 minutes until we go live. Time to do one last check... the phone check.

No good. The fuse is blown in it... AGAIN ! It really chaps my ass because here i am, a liberal arts major and i can rip apart and put back together most any computer there is. Most electronic devices are constructed in a way that are meant to be accessed easily. From what i understand about replacing the fuse on this particular device, it is easy and would require all of about 10 minutes to train someone on how to do it.

But no. The Powers That Be (ie: the day crew) either won't do it, or don't know that it needs to be done. Either way, myself and all the other weekend live producers get to pay the price.

As far as the show goes, there were a few calls that provoked some sort of thought in me.

One woman, 20 years old. She starts the conversation off by telling me how much she loves sex. She describes herself as a "nymphomaniac"; a word used out of convenience rather than an actual medical description.

Now, being the kind of bloke who enjoys women and horny women at that, i'm thinking "cool". And while that was just the little head thinking, it was her next comment that brought an air of sobriety to the evening. Apparently unbeknownst to her and a previous partner, she became infected with herpes.

One time, one partner, one disease that will be with her for the rest of her life.

And to think... one 75 cent condom could have prevented it.

Perhaps it was wishful thinking on my part. Perhaps it was my being naive (again), but i really felt that this kind of experience merited a response from others in the community who have had to learn to live with this disease. In other words, i felt that she deserved support and that the support would be out there for her.

And maybe there is. Maybe i'm giving myself too much credit when i think that there are more than 10 or so people watching Austin Access. If you have something you'd like to share with her, feel free to write me and i'll pass your message on to her.

On a more lighthearted note, i had a call from a guy that I was SURE was a prank call at first. "Hi. I used to have this girlfriend a while ago who used to use this... thing on me that I really enjoyed."

It's a prank."Oh please... i must know." My voice is flat.

"It was this string of beads that she would... insert in me..." And you can figure the rest out on your own. He wanted to know where he could get some. Hmmmm... well, being the person i am, i want to help him out but at the same time, i am not an expert on recommending things to stick in your ass. Sorry, but that's a job that's best done by places like Forbidden Fruit. For those of you who haven't been there (but you know you've wanted to), Forbidden Fruit is for open minded adults who are willing to either: 1) expand their perceptions of sexuality and what turns them on. And 2) Adults who are willing to take their pleasure into their own hands. I've been there a few times with ex lovers looking for toys for them or just looking in general. The people who work there will explain everything you need to know about their products and their use (as well as what the other customers or they know about it from personal experience) and yaknow what? They are not the least bit embarassed for you nor themselves. They are a sex positive environment and they know what i have known for years: A healty and adjusted attitude towards sexuality lends itself to a healthy and adjusted life.

There were other calls that merit a response, but for now i'm going to need to wrap up a few other thoughts and call it a night.

Oh! Before i forget, an old friend of mine, Melissa (yes, as in Melissa, the woman who worked on Catharsis with me for years!), is getting married very very soon. I haven't seen her in years, but it will be a nice surprise to see her all dressed in white and sharing her vows with a man she will spend her life (and perhaps the next) with. I, for one, am happy for her and wish her nothing but the best.

Unfortunately i get to go to this event alone. Since my ex left me, there are a few things i find very difficult to do alone. Seeing as how i was only a few days away from asking her (my ex) to marry me before she put a bullet in our relation, i'd say that of all the things that i hate doing alone, going to weddings is pretty much at the top of the list. But this time i'll make an exception.

   
:: ii ::
 

Sometimes i feel a shift in my life. Usally i can identify it but sometimes not. For the last few days i have felt something gnawing in me... trying to communicate something to me.

Trying to get out.

I wish i could spend about two or three days on the beach in Corpus Christi just smelling the gulf, feeling the wind and being lulled to sleep by the sound of the breaking surf. In many ways, it would be home for me... it always has been.

I'll write more about that later.

I don't know that it would feed the creature i'm harboring, or just let it out of me entirely, but it might give me a rest from the rhythm of asphalt, computers, glass and the neverending background noise of all too familiar (but loveable) faces and habits that i have every day.

Or maybe a nice long, hard massage from someone i trust would work too.

Yes. Yes, i think that would be just fine. But for the here and the now, i get neither.

Good night all.

 

 

13 september 2000

 

my eyes feel like raisins

 

Before i actually get around to the topic tonight, i thought i would mention that it finally rained here in austin. It may not seem like a big deal to you... it may seem rather trivial actually. BUT if you've been reading my journal, you have an idea of how dry, scorched and dying everything is around here. The ground is littered with leaves, but not from the change in seasons. Most but the strongest, deepest rooted trees are starting to whither from the heat and dry air. We hit an all time high of 112 degrees last week... and don't be some dumb shit and say, "But it was a dry heat, right?"

It's 112 in the air. The ground has a heat index approaching 150 degrees [50c for those of you using Metric]. Of course it's a dry heat! The humidity has long since been baked out of the air! The air bakes the moisture out of your body. Your eyeballs feel like raisins after only a few minutes in the air. It's fucking miserable !

But today it ended... for today at least. It probably got into the mid 90's and then around 5'ish, a cloak of water just swallowed the city. Loop 360 was VERY dangerous to drive on, but it was going to get worse at around 5pm. I had to go when i got off work and give it my best shot. It was the good hard driving rain that we needed so badly. Granted it didn't stick around but for half an hour (maybe a little more) or so, but it was nice while it lasted.

 

 

 

 

19 september 2000

 

the here, the now and the nothing

 

Next time you're sitting around the house and contemplating what sort of objects you might want to shove up your ass, you might want to give this page a look first. When you're done, be a good boy (or lass) and stop hiding stuff in your ass.

On a more serious note, the last show was the first show i've done with a co-host. Mimi (not her real name) was one of the women who wrote me when she found that i was looking for a co-host. I was hesitant at first because Mimi is 19 and i felt that was a liability at first. But a friend of mine (yes, i actually have one or two of those) made the observation that not only is my own age (34) potentially prohibitive of having a younger audience call, but that having someone younger could bring in a segment that might not call in the first place. I had a chance to talk to Mimi before saturday night and for better or for worse, her age is not equal to her experiences in life.

I thought she did pretty well. The audience was... dare i say it? Merciful to her for the most part. I warned her about the hoards of insecure and intolerant guys who would call and try their very best to degrade her. And while a few of them did get their very cheap shots in, they were easily dismissed. All in all, Mimi held her own and frankly, she was a lot more secure in front of the camera than i thought she would be. No offense intended, but i know from experience that the harsh glare of live Tee Vee can really make a person shrivel and hide.

I can't say there was a lot of substance to last weeks episode. Lately i've adopted a "fuck you if you can't take a joke" and a "i don't give a shit" attitude towards the show. We asked folks what their porn stage names would be and here's what we came up with:

  • Lotta LipSmaq [f]
  • Kandy Kane [f] (i think this one has been taken)
  • Peter O'Toole [m] (this one made me laugh)
  • Cockwork Orange [m]
  • Forrest Hump [m] (i suspect this is the title of a porn)
  • Wylie Peterman [m]
  • Frenchie Holmes [m] (thanks Bill)
  • Big Daddy Longstroke [m] (hardly worth mentioning, i know)

So there you have it. It's not too impressive, i know, but neither was last weeks episode. The only serious call we received was right at the end and due to the fact i had to wrap things up. It was a young woman whose boyfriend of 3 years had walked out on her and deciding to add insult to injury, he apparently took something of significant personal value of hers. She felt she couldn't turn to her friends who had warned her over the years that he was a a loser, a con man, a liar, etc...

All of which turned out to be true.

Sigh... i have let the evening slip through my fingers (again). The side effect of playing Nox. As i told someone earlier today, i don't think it's possible for videogames to be the tools of the mythical "devil". Even if there were such a creature, videogames would have to be the LAST thing he would want to use 'cause otherwise he'd NEVER get anything done.

I'll write more in a few more days.

 

 

23 september 2000

cycles

:: i ::

 

Before i actually get around to the topic tonight, i thought i would mention that it finally rained here in austin. It may not seem like a big deal to you... it may seem rather trivial actually. BUT if you've been reading my journal, you have an idea of how dry, scorched and dying everything is around here. The ground is littered with leaves, but not from the change in seasons. Most but the strongest, deepest rooted trees are starting to whither from the heat and dry air. We hit an all time high of 112 degrees last week... and don't be some dumb shit and say, "But it was a dry heat, right?"

 

It's 112 in the air. The ground has a heat index approaching 150 degrees. Of course it's a dry heat! The humidity has long since been baked out of the air! The air bakes the moisture out of your body. Your eyeballs feel like raisins after only a few minutes in the air. It's fucking miserable !

 

But today it ended... for today at least. It probably got into the mid 90's and then around 5'ish, a cloak of water just swallowed the city. Loop 360 was VERY dangerous to drive on, but it was going to get worse at around 5pm. I had to go when i got off work and give it my best shot. It was the good hard driving rain that we needed so badly. Granted it didn't stick around but for half an hour (maybe a little more) or so, but it was nice while it lasted.

 

   
 
:: ii ::
 

Check Out List for tonight:

26 september 2000

the sound of now

 

I don't have a whole lot to talk about tonight. As a matter of fact, whatever few thoughts i had a minute ago are gone. I should probably shut down my computer (this one at least) and start getting ready for bed, BUT Aaron keeps spinning some excellent drum and bass via shoutcast (put 208.21.239.66:8000 in your Winamps "Open Location" to see if he's broadcasting).