The change
in seasons is a remarkable time for me. The stress and frustration of
summer is gone, the earth changes back to green and rain is abundant,
if not unpredictable. But this is the 2nd autumn since i lost my best
friend, the woman i was so sure i would spend my life and eternity with.
I would be lying if i said this did not have a significant amount of
weight on me.
I do not
know how many of you have lost your best friend... that is, the person
who is your foundation, the center of your universe, your goddess, your
lover, your confidante... your best friend.
Though
the sands of time have eroded most of the nightmares i used to have
about her away, the reality is that the abandonment and betrayal and
the lies she made to rationalize her behavior still follow me. I have
had the pleasure of making some new friends since coming back to Austin,
but no one i have met since has been able to impress me the way this
woman did so many years ago.
And i do
not mention these things in any sort of vain attempt to change what
has become my reality, but i would be remiss if i did not take
the time to remind everyone who is so sure they've met the perfect man
or the perfect woman. Yes, they may be perfect for now, but everyone
has baggage, everyone has flaws; everyone has the potential to lose
their identity, their center and everyone has the potential to lay waste
to those things which used to be so precious to them.
So to each
of you who read my words, if you're in a relation, i would love to give
you some magic words to help you along your way. Alas, there are no
such words; only the hope that you take the time to understand your
partner in their own life as opposed to understanding their life with
your own experiences projected onto them... that when and if they ever
do break, i hope you know that your own way of addressing your problems
may not be a viable solution for someone you love.
To that
woman in the city that i still miss, you abandoned me, you betrayed
me and you lost that which was the best thing to ever happen to you...
and you never gave fixing it an honest chance.
I could
be resentful of you, i have every right to hold my memories of you in
malice, but i... i cannot. You were the center of my universe, you were
my goddess and i worshipped you. But you were so broken that even you
couldn't see the rage and anger you contained for years before you ever
even met me. I wish i could have seen it, i wish i could have helped
and i wish you would not have made the decisions that you did.
But it's
been two years, more or less, and you have to live with that decision
for the rest of your life. You will have to learn to be content with
2nd best... and that's only if you're VERY lucky. No, i cannot be angry
at you. I cannot wish you ill, but as the months and years pass, i hope
that you find happiness in the knowledge that just as you betrayed and
abandoned me, so too will these things be returned unto you.
Yes, it's me and the... Party Time Bus. Woo.