1 november 2000

about confidence and such

:: i ::

 

 

The last show was about confidence. As usual, it wasn't my goal to tell people what particular facet of confidence i wanted them to talk about and much like the shows i did on what men and women find attractive in a partner, i wasn't looking to have a consensus on the subject, rather just looking for people to discuss their experiences and interpretations. And i guess the show went well. I felt that i wanted to share my personal experiences with the matter a little more, but i didn't really have the time to. See... confidence was such an... ODD concept for me for the longest time. It was always, in my interpretation, an invention of culture. That is, confidence was one of those imposed qualities that men were supposed to have, much like women, according to movies, magazines and books, are supposed to be able to fit into a size 5 dress, have D cup sized breasts (and never sag) and be able to cook a 5 course meal in a dress and high heels.

And in that respect, i think women have it pretty damned rough.

The counter to that is that men have to be instilled with this corporate idea of what confidence is. Rough, independant, indifferent, cold and maybe a touch arrogant. At least that's what the movies have told me. And consistant with my dismissal of social expectations as a kid, i found myself not wanting to be like, or associated with that corporate image.

I'm not sure where to take the story from there. I was an awkward kid and an even more awkward teenager. Indeed, when my classmates were forming bonds with each other, i was isolated. I spent my free time listening to Genesis and Peter Gabriel (especially: Security). The only "sexual" contact i had in those years was kissing a girl named "Janie" once. So by the time i got into college, i was a socially inept pariah with no concept of what it was to believe in himself.

And to try and bring a long story to a short one, there was a woman i was friends with named Laura. In hindsight i can say that she was as pure as the driven mud and as reliable as asking a crack addict to watch over your house while you go on vacation for a week. And of course, i was in love with her.

At least what i understood love to be at the time which was as far away from true love as one can get.

I pursued her, even eventually flying to Mississippi to pick her up (she was drunk and hungover at the airport), to drive her to Austin in her car (that i packed) with her evil cat so that i could drive all around Austin to help her find a job and an apartment.

Good grief... guys will do ANYTHING for the lure of nookie.

Eventually she would reject me time and time again and eventually lose her job. Out of pity and compassion my roommate at the time and i took her into the house we were renting. This would have been around 1991. She mooched off of us like a lamprey for months, all the while never missing an opportunity to tell me how she could never date me because i didn't have any confidence.

My blood began to smolder, then it boiled with a fury that i've yet to feel in my life again.

And that was when i reached what i call, "Critical Mass". The point where events push you to the point where action is inevidible; to that point where contemplating the consequences of your actions is impossible.

I kicked her out of the house and severed any and all ties i had to her. And in the process... i found what it was to be confident. Go figure.

 
:: ii ::
 

 

I was reading the writings of a young bisexual wiccan woman tonight. Well, i've yet to meet a hetero wiccan girl at all, but i guess it's a possibility. Anyways, in her writings, i find this one thing she said that made a LOT of sense. She said she was looking for someone but that people without faith scare her. And a light went off in my head. She managed to put into words what i've not been able to for years.

And it's true. There's something not right about people who have no faith. I know; i was married to one. They are a spiritually void people who have no sense of identity, no concept of belonging. I may garner the ire of a few folk by saying that but it's been my experience that athiests who say they're "spiritual people" is like saying you're a lesbian fundamentalist or a virgin porn star. In other words, its a little faery tale that people who believe in nothing like to tell themselves so that they can feel the false illusion of connecting with the world and humanity on a deeper level. Of course, they only fool themselves and those who love them unconditionally.

But i'm starting to dredge things up that are better left buried. Sigh... well, the truth is that it's been almost two years since i was betrayed and the weight of those memories have come out in the form of dreams. It's bad enough to have nightmares where someone you used to love is standing there passing judgement on you, but it's quite another thing, and a much much worse thing in my opinion, to have a dream where the dream is where you're with that person again and you're standing back in a place when everything was perfect (or at least as close as one can get to perfection, which in my opinion is pretty damned close, but that's just me). Lord... waking up after one of those is like crawling out of the womb again. The saving grace in this is that the dreams used to be EVERY night. They've retreated to once a month or so, and i for one, am eternally grateful.

Anyways, as i started to say, people who have no spiritual belief system and/or faith, are emotionally unaccessable, and from my experience, very destructive

 

:: iii ::

 

I need to get around to making a page devoted to the pages that my friends have made. One such page is webmikey.com Actually, Mikey is in Osaka, Japan right now and i'm green with envy. He supposedly took the bullet train to Tokyo today to do some shopping (be a good otaku and bring me back something, Mikey!). At any rate, Mikey has all sorts of nifty things like the food he eats, random quotes (my favorite was, "I miss Brock !") and a list of the women he's been involved with over the years. My favorite quote on that page was, "Her last words to me were "I'm going to write poetry all fucking day." I'm sure she's in Minnesota somewhere reading vampire erotica right now."

Stupid goth girl.

 

 

6 november 2000

 

The Silken Voice

 

I scored really big this weekend. No, my eternal fascination with women has not finally paid off. Sheesh, i don't think i've had a chance to give my opinion of women in Austin yet. It ain't pretty- trust me.

No, i'm talking about music.

To most folk, this may seem like a really odd collection of sounds to buy in the same weekend, but i'm the kind of guy who can buy some Bill Evans (the greatest piano player of all time, in my humble opinion), Shostakovich and Danny Tenaglia and I'll probably find some sort of common thread that binds all of them; even if it's a thread that only i can understand.

I'd love to sit here and talk about music tonight. Anyone who knows me knows how important a role music plays in my life. Instead i should probably call it a night. But before i do, i have to explain tonight's title. See, i have this thing about music... if it has lyrics, i generally dismiss it.

Why?

Well, try and follow me on this. Words, in the form of lyrics, are an individuals interpretation of events and thoughts, right? Those words might accurately reflect those experiences or thoughts, or they might not.Chances aren't really in favor of accuracy since words often fail to convey the depth of a particular experience. Now, as a listener i take those words in and apply my own interpretation and experiences to them. I may experience something akin to what the composer set out to do, but chances aren't likely that i will. But there's another reason as well. Two more actually. The first is that most bands can't play worth a damn. They use lyrics to cover up the fact that they have a sophomoric understanding of music theory, composition, arranging and executing. Proof? Listen to any rock/pop music. Same goes for the R&B stuff too that's so sampled and looped that royalties have to be given to the artists they take their sounds from. One exception i'll make here is rap. No, not because i interpret those words as they were meant to be (?!?), but because in rap the rhythm and sounds are secondary to the pentameter of the vocals, which actually attempt to communicate in a way that makes the most of timing. It takes some real damn skill to rap well, though bad rapping is apparently as easy as falling off a cliff. In the world of popular music, i say rap is the most innovative and refreshing thing to happen since the Sex Pistols.

But the second reason is that the vocabulary of music as a means unto itself is capable of generating a larger vocabulary than a voice can. Listen to Bill Evans, listen to some Pat Metheny Group, check out Hynrik Gorecki's Symphony No. 3 -- The Symphony of Sorrowful Songs --(yes, i know it has vocals, but they're in Polish and are done in a way that Dawn Upshaw's voice becomes an instrument in and of itself) . But most of all, i challenge anyone who is serious about music, or THINK that they're serious about music, to look beyond the world of music as dictated by the confines of words. There are worlds within worlds within worlds where the vocabulary of sound can communicate infinately more to the human experiences than yet ANOTHER stanza of, "I love you baby, yea, yea, yea..."

Yea, yea, yea.

Oh, but back to the title of tonights entry. She's very much an exception to my rule because her voice is so damned thick and sexy. Of course, i'm speaking of Tracy Thorn of Everything But The Girl fame.

But now... now time has shown me once again that it has me in it's merciless grasp. I'll have to write more on this later.

Meanwhile, my thoughts are of being somewhere other than Austin; even if for only a few days. I need to take some vacation and i'm seriously pondering going to Portland, Seattle or even Vancouver for a few days. I can afford the air fare, but i'm not sure about the hotels, food and toys that i'd have to buy.

On the other hand, i'm pretty sure i cannot afford to stay around here for too much longer. I'm going stir crazy.

good night.

 

 

 

 

7 november 2000

 

watching the trainwreck of democracy

 

It's no secret. The Republic "for which we stand" was put on the butcher block and slaughtered by the hands of corporate interest years and years ago. The dual headed beast that inhabit the same body sold our ideology for quarterly profits. So today, i followed my conscious and voted for the Green Party on as many items as i could. I voted to keep Austin from bloating anymore with golf courses, and as i said i would on the show, i voted for Light Rail as well. No, it may not be the right choice today, but it IS the right choice for tomorrow. To the hicks who think it's their "Gawd given right" to drive their chevy suburban to the 7-11 everytime they need a refill on some diet beer, please leave. Go to Houston, go to San Antonio, hell... go to the uber-konservative Utopia of Dallas or Waco for all i care. Just leave Austin.

I have little doubt in my mind that come tomorrow, the people will have elected the most unqualified leader for the free world since the days of Taft. Canada would do well to build a border fence with razor wire as soon as possible.

But anyways, i said i would continue talking about EBTG tonight.

It all started with Deep Dish, actually. On Junk Science, they had a track called The Future of the Future . I was listening to this at a very... odd (?) time of my life. Ms. Thorn's voice rose above my usual disdain for vocals, and in a bittersweet way, The Future of the Future is one of those songs that is forever part of my landscape. Ironically there was another song i used to hear at the same time. I remember having the windows of my apartment open in SF and listening to this one party going on nearby. This familiar tune came on and everyone in the party screamed and clapped. It would take a year or so, but i would eventually find that the song was EBTG's Missing. If you're not familiar with either of these, i cannot urge you enough to give them a listen.

More recently, Ms. Thorn's voice has risen from a new Deep Dish remix that i have, Reniassance :: Ibiza , track number 4: Tempermental . Wow. If ecstacy (the feeling, not the drug) could be bottled, this would be it. Deep, lush and sensuous are the only way i can describe her approach to singing.

Anyways, my writings, as of late, have been less than interesting or entertaining. Without going into any great detail, i think it's fair to say that things in my life aren't quite where i'd like them. Things that i thought i had dealt with are are rearing their ugly head and i'm finding that i don't have the... internal vocabulary (?) to address them. I feel like a mess, i feel like i've got my shit together.

I feel like i should stop writing now and go to bed before i become any more cryptic than i have already.

 

 

12 november 2000

 

Market Street Blues

 

I took Friday off. It was a crystal clear autumn day that was perfect in every respect. Cool enough to keep the windows open, warm enough to go outside without a jacket. I needed the time off as lately i've been going stir-crazy. And then there was today. What started off as an overcast muggy day has transformed itself into a cold, wet autumn evening. And between Friday and today, i can say that they're both stereotypical San Francisco days. Two sides, same coin.

I found myself drifting back to SF for a while. I remember walking down Larkin, where i lived, to Market Street. There was a watch shop close to the Castro that i needed to get a battery from. I thought, "No problem. Church is close to Castro and i know Church isn't too far from where Larkin intersects with Market." Wrong-O. Well, i guess in the way the crow flies, Church and Castro aren't far from each other, but for a big dopey cracker like me, and a sheet of winter rain coming down at 45 degrees (i had an umbrella), it was a miserable walk.

And then it turns out that the watch shop didn't even have the tool to take the back off of my watch.

Speaking of the Bay Area, i had Mike Jasper on my show friday night as i said i would. He ranted, he raved, he said "fuck" as i knew he would. When some dick called him "fag!" he quickly responded, "Hey, next time i'm fucking your ass, don't turn around." As you might suspect, the caller didn't have a whole lot more to contribute.

Jasper generally writes humor. Most recently he was picked up by NPR for his commentary. He's recorded two sessions, the first of which has been given air play, the second of which is still waiting for the Directors at NPR to decide when they're going to air it.

There's not much going on with me these days. No, that's not true. There's enough going on with me, but not enough of it is important to discuss. It's only 9.35, but i think i'm going to drink some Thera-Flu and float down the stream of conciousness as i try to dream about cute eye-glass wearing brunettes with large bottoms who needs a nice looooong spanking. What can i say? life isn't exactly "Raiders of the Lost Ark" these days.

 

 

 

24 november 2000

 

a new look

 

Today marks a new look to the journal. Though i haven't decided yet, i may go ahead and retroactively change the previous entries for this month. I have only one other entry, so doing the overhaul for November won't be that hard. I didn't have any problem with the old way of doing things, but i need to hone my Dreamweaver and HTML skills in general. Hence, a change in design. Hopefully i'll be able to add some tools that will make negotiating the area a little easier for everyone who visits.

Thank you and feel free to let me know what you think.

Meanwhile, it's the day after Thanksgiving. My cousin, Alizon, and her husband have bought a most righteous house in south austin in a developing neighborhood. It's good to see them doing so well for themselves.

The food was bountiful, the company excellent. The only downside to things was that my transmission shattered on my way down there. It's probably going to need to be rebuilt and frankly, they won't be able to look at it until Monday at the earliest. I'm probably going to lose all of my savings over this as transmission shops aren't known for their mercy on the wallet. It's just the rhythm of life, there's no need for me to be upset or angry. Yes, i will miss the money if for no other reasons than not only was i hoping to buy some very decent presents for a lot of friends and family this Christmas, but i'm going to take a vacation in the middle of december. Originally i had planned to go to Portland, but i decided to get my bicycle fixed and stay in the state instead. This was strictly a monetary decision. I planned... wait, i STILL plan to visit the Texas State Aquarium in Corpus Christi, Matagorda Island State Park as well as visit the places where i grew up to shoot some videotape. Time permitting, i'd like to shoot up to Bolivar Peninsula.

Oh... the bicycle is just to take with me. =)

   

 

 

:: ii ::

 

Sigh... I have a 4 day weekend and i'm stranded at home. My motorcycle battery won't charge, my car is deadsky until next week and i'm bored out of my head. There is a Stars game tonight, but frankly, i'd rather go sweat while groovin to some Jungle or House.

 

 

27 november 2000

 

It doesn't make me feel any better.

 

I took a nap a little while ago and awoke to find this little gem of near- illiteracy in my mailbox. Usually i just laugh off lame flame mail, but i guess i was just too tired to use better judgement. You can read the carnage here. LINK LOST- will eventually find.