it's taken a while for me to feel compelled to write. after last nights show, i don't know if i can write enough.

the topic was: what makes a relationship successful. though i can't say we always stuck to the topic, i can say that the general consensus appears to be "communication and honesty". the standard answer, right?

the difficulty of rising to the challenge of communication and honesty is... well, it's trying to communicate for starters and then to try to be honest. it's tougher than it sounds. no one wants to hurt another person and all too often, that's just what honesty is. well, in perceived terms that is. i guess the key is to learn diplomacy (tact, verbiage, etc...) and to learn how to actually engage in effective communication. i think someone once wrote a book about this some time ago.

one caller had a quote from Glengarry Glen Ross "...it's easier to tell the truth than it is to recall lies." naturally since i haven't seen the movie (or play), i suspect the quote is not verbatim. but it illustrates the point that it takes way too much energy to remember lies or the lies to cover for previous lies.

ultimately i believe that communication and honesty stem from self respect. i do not think it is possible to be a low self-esteem individual AND achieve honesty and communication with yourself, let alone others. i may be wrong about this. feel free to prove to me otherwise.

oh. i apologize for the technical difficulties at the beginning of the show. i can't be certain, but it appears that the lavaliere microphones are just shot to hell. the by-product of too many drunken monkeys manhandling them over the course of years. thanks to the people who tried to help me out. i think i will be falling back onto the handheld microphones from now until i can determine that the lavaliere are working again.

i had one caller, a guy, who said that... good grief, i can't remember the details here... he had a girlfriend of some time (years) and she was pregnant. he said he did not want her to have the baby. i was floored. i mean, what was he looking for? did he want me to tell her that she should have an abortion? was a part of him wanting me to tell him that he has to live up to his obligations? well with the former, my take is that it isn't his decision to make. after all, he freely and without condition, gave his sperm to her. if he did not want her to have his sperm, he could have worn a condom, had a vasectomy or he could have even opted to not have sex with her. but he chose not to. indeed, he gave his sperm to her and the last i heard, the nature of giving something is that you do not make any conditions to that donation. if there ARE conditions, it becomes a conditional gift; something more akin to a business transaction.

i don't know for sure, but i think i told him he needed to be a man and live up to the consequences of his actions. shortly thereafter, he hung up.

i had a call from a woman after the show who has found herself standing where i was standing only a few days after my grandfather died in november 1998. in short, her boyfriend/ fiance of some years all of a sudden has cold feet. and now he's gone.

i didn't know what the right thing was to say last night and i sure didn't know what the right thing to say/ do was when the same thing happened to me. this sort of thing is akin to staring at a tsunami towering overhead... you can run, you can cry, you can lay down and die. either way, the tsunami is there, it is for real, and no matter what you do, it's about to become the single most important thing in your life. there were no words i could say to change anything. no words to bring any sense of understanding. no words to make a difference. but it does not change the fact that i empathize with her situation so deeply that it drudges up a lot of memories of the way i was treated.

oh. i forgot to mention the end of last night's show. i can't remember how it all started; i think i mentioned that i will be getting a vasectomy. some guy called to verify that indeed, i do intend to get a vasectomy. yes, it's true. i explained that:

i don't have time for children

i do not like children

i do not have the money for children

i have the parenting abilities of a bag of hammers and

there are 6 billion humans on this earth at this time.

there is no defensible reason for anyone to breed more humans, but if it's going to happen, all i ask is that people be emotionally, spiritually and financially responsible for the life of that child. all too often, i see people (especially those in poverty and of little or no education), who believe that breeding will somehow bring some fulfillment to their lives, or even worse: the belief that breeding is an obligation to legitimize marriage.

nothing could be further from the truth.

besides, there are hundreds of thousands of infants, toddlers and children who need parents... who deserve to be in a family. it pisses me off to no end to hear someone say, "i need a baby!" then say that it has to be from HER stomach as opposed to an adopted child. talk about the epitome of selfishness and arrogance.

then some woman called to chaste me for using the word, "breeding". oh please. i have to go into rant mode for a minute, so pardon me for a bit.

look woman, just because you have the potential to read this does not exclude you from the fact that no matter how you sugar coat it, you are an animal as the rest of us are. we have the same behavior as our more "primitive" brethren. we form bonds, we protect our territory, we develop behavior to attract mates, we court, we mate and we breed. just because we've learned how to use written and verbal language, just because we can invent things like compound interest, genocide, lipstick, the mullet, sports, the ability to appreciate Rich Corinthian Leather and just because we can develop and use tools to put us at the top of the food chain, that does not exempt us from the bitter and sobering reality that you and i are just hairless monkeys... that use credit cards. so shut your sanctimonious meat hole, woman and start reading some of the writings and observations of Desmond Morris

sorry. i just had to do that.

but unfortunately all of this seemed to lead to an area that i was VERY uncomfortable talking about: me.

let me clarify.

i have done television for years now. one of the things that i was always proud of was the fact that no matter what i said about myself, i really didn't lend too much personal information out. oh sure, there's a certain obligation i have to give something if i'm to expect people to give something in return. but i've always been in control of what i divulge, how much i divulge and when to divulge anything. but as fate would have it, this guy calls to verify that i did indeed say that i wanted to have a vasectomy. and after that, so many things seemed to come out. i can barely remember them. i think what really triggered all of this was when i said no one interests me anymore. and it's true... almost without exception, each and every woman i've met lately just bores me to tears. this isn't the same as saying i don't find women attractive. good lord, no. i'm talking about a deeper and more serious connection than a casual, hormonal urge.

it is too simplistic to assume that i am simply not over my ex. the truth is i'm not, nor do i have any reason to believe that anyone who goes through an experience like that can ever be over something like that. it is also too simplistic to assume that i'm trying to compare every woman i meet to her as though i was looking for a surrogate.

i am not.

as i said on the show, it is simply a matter of expectations. i have had the best that life has to offer me. it's not to say she was flawless... she wasn't. she was incapable of communicating when necessity dictated it. as a result, she planted and nurtured her rage until she made me out to be someone i never was... a mechanism that she would eventually use for her to justify her actions. her rage eventually ran it's course, but flaws aside, i do honestly believe that i was blessed to meet and love her for the time that she was a woman.

so no. even if i were looking for someone to date, the reality is that i've had the best and i deserve the best that life has to offer. i do not see any reason why i should lower my expectations just because my expectations seem "unreasonable" to someone else. if anything i was trying to convey that while being alone is fine, it would still be nice to have dinner or go dancing with someone now and then without the complications of romantic involvement. maybe this is a concept too difficult or foreign for people to figure out.