5 june 2000 :: i had dinner.

i had dinner with a couple of friends tonight.

 

27 june 2000 ::the road under my feet and the road ahead

It should be fairly apparent that my writings have diminished in the last several weeks. The reality is that my journal here is usually some sort of reflection of something that has happened as a result of Box of Bugs or maybe it's just something silly or honest that i feel the need to share here.

But lately my energy has been in decline in both my personal life and on the show. As for the personal issues, suffice it to say that they probably shouldn't be shared here. But as for the show, the mild optimism that i once had that the late night folk of austin could somehow carry a simple call-in show, has all but evaporated. I have said it before and i'll say it again. My function on the show is merely that of a conduit. The callers are the show; i am not. I do my little song and dance and ocassional rant to make people laugh and think at the same time (or so i hope), but right now i can't say that those who are up on a saturday night are up for the challenge of what a live call in show has to offer.

I am continually unimpressed with the number of ignorant white boys who have nothing better to do on a saturday night than to scream incoherencies and 3rd grade obscenities. I also am so beyond pity for the boys who somewhow think that they're going to hurt me with their adamant desires that i be gay. On that note, i have to recount an angry caller last week who just started spewing "You are a FAG! You just came out of the closet tonight, Shelly! You FAG! FAG! FAG!" The venom in his voice was downright scarry. It was filled with that violent and dangerous combination of desire, denial and anger that i usually see only in fundamentalists. I told him what i tell all the other little homophobes that call me, "Hey, if that little fantasy helps you get through your life and helps you admit your desire for other men to be gay, then fine."

Ultimately i can't fathom how feeble and insecure these boys must be to see some guy on access and obsess over his sexuality. I do find it ironic that these same boys tend to be the same guys who get excited over beer commercials of men telling other men, "I love you man!", or commercials of cross dressing yutz's trying to scam om other cross dressing yutz's for the sake of... diet beer. These are the same socially retarded chickenshits who spend their autumn and winter weekends watching a bunch of men in tight pants holding each other and playing "smear-the-queer" (aka football).

And with even more irony, it is simply amazing that these same self-appointed homophobes are the same ones calling and criticizing... get this... my hair. My fucking hair!

So i've been thinking about calling it quits... again. But it's not because of the prank callers.

I've been thinking of calling it quits because of the following reasons.

  • Numero Uno: There is no way to immediately trace a call. I am simply tired of the threats directed at me. Hell, i don't even run a political show, but that doesn't stop the hoardes of ignorant angry fucks from ocassionally calling me and saying they're either going to shoot me at the studio or beat the shit out of me. Of course neither has happened, but given all of the rash of murder sprees in the workplace, post offices and schools, it does not take much of a stretch to believe that some deranged individual would bring a firearm to the studio to "purge" the world of a few "heretics".

  • Numero Two-O: I am tired of the fact that the equipment is not reliable anymore and those people who are attending the facilities at the time, are not given the training nor trust to help fix the most fundamental of problems. Case in point: two times in the last month, the fones have been broken in the mini-studio. Neither Hank nor Ross have been able to replace the FUSE that was broken. WHY? Hell if i know. For the kind of work that i do, if i don't have a fone, i don't have a show.

  • Numero Three-O: Master Control continues to interfere with the content of shows. On one ocassion, i had to go to a black screen to edit a page. Within 10 seconds, Master Control took it upon themselves to switch me over to community billboard. They claimed it was black and silent for 15 minutes. I have a tape that proves otherwise. Of course, they failed to account for ambient studio noise. I seriously doubt they have the technical ability or work ethic to check for such things. Then a month or so ago, someone who works at ACTV, but was there working on a personal project, comes to me and says that Master Control is going to switch me over to community billboard if i don't put some video on (at the time i was playing music), they were going to kill my show. Okay, fuckheads. Now i get to slap you around like the little ignorant bitches you are. First off, you (in master control) are not there to censor anyone's content. If the management of ACTV and the City of Austin are not allowed to control the content of any show on ACTV, what makes you think YOU are?!? If it is my desire to have a black screen with no sound, say in memory of someone(s) who have died, or maybe because i'm an airhead and go to black while i'm working on something, then what is your LEGAL grounds for taking my show away because you simply do not like black, silent screens. So here's a tip, Master Control: do your fucking job and your fucking job only. Do not take it upon yourself to think you have the right to do anything else. If you're unhappy that you're stuck at MC on a saturday night, that's your business and your business ONLY. Go find another line of work; preferably as a file clerk or even as a jizz mopper at the local smut hut. But do not... DO NOT think that you are any sort of moral authority to dismiss one show because you simply do not like it. And do not be so ignorant as to think that there are not legal responses to such a hostile act.
    • But despite it all, i do have my reasons for wanting to continue to do the show.

  • Numero Uno: when the pieces fall together, when people actually have something to contribute, it's pretty neat. Again, i am only a conduit but it brings a sense of satisfaction when someone is talking to me and they see their problems in a way that they had not thought of before. Having been in that situation, that moment of revelation is worth a lot to me. When someone calls me weeks or months after having spoken to me before and they say, "hey, i wanted to give you an update on my life...", that's pretty satisfying too.

  • Numero Two-O: This reason is not nearly as honorable as the first. The reality is that ACTV has been overrun by hyper-paranoid, self appointed Uber-Patriots who feel that they and they alone are a source of truth. They use disinformation to spread their agenda and they pander to the angry, disenfranchised, semi-educated white male. They blame the "federals", they blame the "black helicopters", they blame the liberals, they blame the "bankers" (but they'll never say, "the jewish bankers"), and in short, they blame all but themselves for their pathetic existance. They are Mc Carthyists who weep and moan about how opressed they are when in reality, they bully, antagonize and persecute any who would doubt their so called "wisdom". In other words, they are cowards who are afraid of anyone who doesn't bow and scrape to their information terrorist tactics. I know that if i give up my timeslot, it is only a matter of hours before one of these fascists will take it. On that day, there will be one less voice to stand up against these feeble minded anti-intellectual idiots.

    • Case in point- their truth :: their truth explained by facts.

  • Numero Three-O: I'm good at what i do. I do not say this with arrogance or superiority, but after as many years of producing as i've done, i can say that i know a thing or two about lighting, about sound quality, about keeping momentum going and i can say that i know a thing or two about listening and talking to people at the same time as making them laugh and think. Generally speaking i do not inflict my point of view onto someone with the value that "This is an absolute and you cannot believe anything outside of that!" This contrasts with the afore mentioned fascists (see above paragraph). I also invite honest criticism of me and the way i conduct my show. The only stipulation to that is that criticism must be founded in respect. I always try to return the same level of recognition to whomever gives it to me. So i'm good at it. I need to be better and i need to be more diverse. These are the challenges i am facing these days and while sometimes i am tempted to quit, i simply cannot.

    •  

    28 june 2000 :: the horoscope, explained for self righteous idiots

    Preface: a friend of mine told me about something they ocassionally send out to their customers. For some stupid reason or another, some Cosmik Muffin decided they wanted to put a Horoscope in the damn thing. Well, apparently there are still people stupid enough... no, ignorant enough to believe that their lives are somehow influenced by the postion of the stars. The saddest of these bunch are the ones who say it's evil, satanic, etc... All these intellectual rednecks manage to do is to give "power" to something that doesn't exist and by their dismissal of it, they manage to give it the qualities they project on it.

    At any rate, some fundie wrote my friends company and berated them for their "satanic" message (free hint from Shellito: there is NO satan. All of the evil in this world comes from people being selfish and cruel to one another and raping the earth under their feet, scorching the skies and poisoning the seas for their own gain. In other words, you are responsible for the evil you bring into this world, not some mythical goat headed figure who looks like a rock star (but not Iggy Pop... oh good grief, the devil couldn't be THAT ugly, could he?).

    Here i am taking it upon myself to help bring a little clarity to this poor rednecks world.

    Dear Sanctimonious Bonehead,

    We are deeply saddened and unhappy that you are offended by a novelty item as silly and stupid as a horoscope, but given your apparent belief in such a thing, and it's ability to influence or persuade you, an ability that you have apparently given it, we here at (insert organization here) have decided to consult our Ouiji board (and some beer) to formulate an appropriate response to your obvious belief in the horoscope.

    The Ouiji board says,

    "Dear Sir/ Ma'am,

    It is apparent to the stars, crop circles, devining rods and all other forms of cosmic muffinry that you are a very feeble minded and stupid git. If you had half the intellect that God gave a Radish, you might be clever enough to understand that the pre-secular (ie: before the invention of science) activity of believing that the position of the stars somehow has any kind of influence on anyones life is as silly, ignorant and stupid as thinking the earth is flat. Even though you bemoan some sort of "Satanic" influence from such a thing as a horoscope, this Ouiji board is here to correct you in that not only are evil deeds done by humans and humans alone (free Ouiji board hint #1: humans create evil, not Satan. Free Ouiji board hint #2: There is no Satan, only selfish, ignorant, stupid humans with guns and copious amounts of self righteousness), but that by believing that these silly activities such as horoscopes, it is YOU who are actually giving them their "influence". That is, by fantasizing about how powerful and influential such silly things as a "horoscope" really are, it is YOU and you alone who have given it power. "

    After the first case of beer, the Ouiji board went on to say,

    "Trust us, Mr./ Mrs. Git, your energies are better spent trying to make the world a better place by feeding the hungry, giving solice to the sick and dying, educating the uneducated, donating blood and trying to leave this Earth (which is not flat, by the way) in a little better condition than what it was when you got here. If you believe that bellyaching and pissing and moaning and carrying on about how evil things, like a "horoscope" are in this world... if all you do is stand in your ivory tower and engage in acts of deliberate ignorance and spiritual terrorism, then you are not only a stupid fucking git, but you have the redeeming qualities of a soiled diaper."

    Then after even MORE beer and Jimmy Ray getting up and wearing his boxers on his head while letting his tallywhacker flap in the breeze while the rest of us were sitting around and talking about football, the Ouiji board finished with this,

    It must be really nice to be so above moral reproach that you can sit there in your little ivory tower and cast stones on such incredibly evil things as... horoscopes. Good thing you've taken the time to resolve things like genocide, rape, corporate conformidity, the loss of integrity as feeble minded people grasp onto radical right fanatics like Ralph Reed or Pat Robertson, hunger, disease, and all of those other things that the rest of us Luddites have to deal with. How trivial those things must be in comparison to your lofty position where the most vexxing moral dilemma is how influential a horoscope is."

    Well, we all got into the spirit after a little more beer and pretty soon we were all sitting around with our boxers on our heads, 'cept for Jimmy Ray. He'd passed out while talking about football and such and his head was resting face down, in the lap of Bob. Bob just sat there and squirmed a little bit now and then as he tried to talk about football and pick up trucks and how cool his very large moustache is. He said the Ouiji board needed to finish up what it was trying to say.

    "Okay. Now that we've established what an incompetant, silly, self righteous boob you are, this Ouiji board will finish by saying that 1) if you don't like what you see in a magazine or book or newspaper, then exercise your right to NOT READ IT ! 2) if you decide to read it, then you have yourself and yourself only to blame... especially if you're stupid enough to believe in any of this stupid horoscope or Ouiji board shit."

    'Bout that time, we'd all had too many beers and decided that as long as we talked only about football and wanting to fuck Pamela Anderson that we could give each other handjobs, and it wouldn't be queer or anything like that. We were talking about football and babes and such when Mike makes eye contact with me. I squeezed his nutsack real hard like, but looking back, i think that's about when he made his manly mess on my hand. Fag.

     

    30 june 2000 :: something i meant to add

    In discussing the mental state and lunatic ravings of the afore mentioned Alex Jones, i have referred to him as, "jarhead jones". I want to make it clear that in no way am i attempting to be disrespectful of the United States Marine Corp.

    I have a tremendous amount of respect for those who decide to be jarheads. Not to be disrespectful of the other branches of the military (including the Coast Guard), but i believe that the Marines pull the most dangerous watches and are expected to do the most as individuals and as groups. To join an organization that volunteers to put themselves in Harm's Way on a regular basis takes a tremendous amount of courage, none of which Alex Jones has.

    In the past, Alex Jones has referred to the martial occupation of some town in North Carolina by the Marines. To date, he has not been able to provide any proof of such an action in any form other than his delusional ramblings. So it should come to no surprise that Alex "Jarhead" Jones has a deep seeded, yet illusionary reason for hating Marines. Hence the phrase "Jarhead Jones" is used only as a mockery of his delusional paranoia that is pointed towards (among others), the Marines.

    Thank you for your understanding.