5 july 2000 :: to bend the heavens.

Generally speaking i find it distasteful to talk about myself in my journal. I may make an exception to that later on. But first i have to recollect a call that i had saturday night. It was a woman asking for my P.O. so she could write me. "My e-mail address will be on the screen later." i replied. "Oh. Well, I don't do e-mail." She said.

And while i think that's a bad attitude to take, the reality is that for many people, the convenience of writing e-mail is an excuse to forget every significant grammar and spelling lesson ever taught. Words like "probably" become "prolly". The idotic use of the non-existant word, "alot" is used with such frequency that grammarians should go on killing spree's. Generally speaking people write with the fluidity and thought of a brain dead Rhesus monkey on Prozac.

So while i sneer at the attitude of "I'm too good to do e-mail.", the reality is that the raping and pillaging of the English language via e-mail can justify such an attitude.

As for that caller, i can say that while i can write some convoluted sentences and i generally refuse to capitalize "i" when i'm referring to myself (i'll explain later), i honestly believe that i am a better communicator via a keyboard than verbally.

So, if you read this, whomever you are, please re-think your position.

Now... as for the other stuff.

I generally do not capitolize "i" when referring to myself. Why? It seems arrogant. Why is it that when i refer to "you" that it takes the diminutive (as indicated by all letters being lower case) and when i refer to myself with "I", it takes the superlative? Personally i find this quality to be a serious flaw within the English language and furthermore i believe this quality leads us to incorporate that our own perceptions and beliefs that we (as individuals) are more important and worthy of more respect than "you".

This gramatical anomaly contrasts sharply with the German "ich" (I) and "Sie" (formal "you"). Likewise in Japanese, a person may introduce themselves as, "Watashi wa Shellito desu." (I am Shellito), but to introduce oneself in the formal such as, "Watashi wa Shellito-san desu." is just arrogant. Again, the individual takes some humility and when referring to others, suffixes of "-san" or even "-sama" are given to denote respect.

 

Sigh... i thought i would spend some time and get some of the personal burden off of me tonight (hence the title of tonight's comments). But as the sands continue to fall and the blanket of night falls to bring this day to a close, i'm finding that i don't have the time nor energy to talk about what i wanted to.

oyasumi nasai.

 

9 july 2000 :: i can't believe i slept with myself. again!

Before i forget about it, i said i would post a woman with a rather peculiar tattoo. Here it is. Personally if i were her, i don't know if i'd be ashamed or proud to have one of the most popular koochies in the world (this pic really gets around). Outstanding shave job, btw. Too bad those afflicted with the "Wookie Bush Syndrome" don't get a clue.

I have to admit, i have an odd fascination with this picture.
Yes, i may be "sick" but at least i'm not dull.

The reason i'm posting this here like this is because a caller last night said he found tattoo's on women to detract from their natural beauty. Well, i've seen cases that would re-enforce his idea, but i've also seen some nice tattoo's as well. I just thought i'd share this pic.

later...

I want to give my thanks to Bill, my technical director and screener extraordinare for helping out with the show for the last two or so months. I'd also like to thank Chris for taking the time to come down and help out too. He has a great sense of humor, more voices than you can shake a stick at and more energy than any one human probably ever should.

And a personal tip of the hat to both Ross and Hank for their neverending help with the equipment and for generally making the ACTV experience a little more interesting than what it might otherwise be.

 

11 july 2000 :: the weight of groove

Tuesday night. I have so many things on my plate that i never seem to balance the things i should do against those things i want to do. Among my conflicts are pursuing my rejuvinated interest in playing X-Com: UFO Defense, Shadow Watch, Deus Ex or whipping out the N64 for a session of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. On the latter, i have to admit, i was skeptical about Next Generation naming this 'The Best Game of All Time', but having played it for a while, i think i see where they were coming from. Incredible interface, good combat system, good puzzle solving (maybe a little too good), epic story and all of the other elements that make a game trancend the genre of geekdom and enter into exceptional story telling.

And then there's Flash. Sigh... i've been fighting tooth nail and claw to learn Flash lately. I understand the tools, i understand the principles of animation. What i can't seem to figure out is how to get from those concepts into implementation. Hence i watch some video's from Lynda.com and find examples to pick apart. When i have more than a few minutes to dedicate to the cause, i will create a page of links and examples of Flash.

There's not much more to report tonight. Recently i was turned onto LTJ Bukem, a british jungle/ drum and bass composer. My first exposure to him wasn't what you'd call positive. It was from one of his Progression Sessions and he was working with an MC. I just don't get lyrics anymore (Lyle Lovett excepting) and MC's are just way out of the question. Then i heard Earth 2. HOLYMOTHEROFGOD. What an exceptional experience. Tonight i went to Alien and scored Points in Time 002 and big bud's Infinity + Infinity (both on the Good Looking Records label). It took me years to understand how to appreciate Jungle and D&B and i have to admit, now that i'm here, i'm hooked.

And in other news, once again my mind is filled with images and memories of living in SF. If i had it all to do over again, i would. I will always be ashamed of the depression that i fell into while living there, but we all make mistakes.

Some days i remember certain things better than others. I used to wake up at night to get some water and see the fog rolling in, stopping only a mile or so away from where i lived. Maybe less. The deep rumble of the foghorn in the bay, the never ending expanse of cables stretched in the middle of the street, watching the cable cars dart up and down Market Street, taking the California cable car when i could, learning to appreciate sushi, sitting in one of three different Pasta Pomodoro's (Haight, Castro, and North Beach), taking in the sights, smells and sounds. Some days i remember the Pacific Ocean and the endless horizon behind it, the sight of drizzle alternating with rain, cool clear breezes and a sun which no matter how bright it was, seldom burned my skin.

This is not to say SF is some magical wonderful La-La land. It is filthy in places, cleaner in others. Tags are everywhere. Busses, street signs, dumpsters, in the subway, you can't go anywhere without seeing the proof that some hormonally laden idiot with a marker and no sense of style and no respect for the city has marked his territory like a group of dogs with only a handful of fire hydrants. The superficiality of the "Wine Snobs" whose greatest social dilemma is debating on if yellow sunglasses are still going to be in this spring or if they should chose "rose" instead. By all accounts of those who have lived there for any significant amount of time, the influx of young, stupid and over paid multimedia masturbators have robbed the spirit of SF of it's essence. And perhaps therein lies the problem i had with the city. Well, that and i just wasn't ready to live in a place where there are no birds other than pigeons. A place where trees grew where people decided they would grow. A place where people's ignorance was outdone only by their self admiration.

So i do not hold SF in any kind of mystical regard. It is a seriously flawed place whose collective self love is misdirected. But that is not to say it isn't without it's own charm. Maybe it's the bitter taste of regret, maybe it's my loathing of the heat. Maybe it's my longing to be in a place other than where i am... that hunter-gatherer who continually thinks that more fertile grounds and better women are elsewhere. Lord knows i've had enough disappointment with the women i've met here. But that will be an entry for another day when i'm debating on whether i should play Zelda, Shadow Watch, X-Com or Deus Ex or spending some quality time with the fun and joy known only as Flash 4.

oyasumi nasai.

 

12 july 2000 :: addendum

On the last show i made mention of a theme that i come back to now and then. It is my belief that in many cases we have behavior that we engage in because we want to, then there's the underlying motivating reason for that behavior.

In this case i'm referring to a comment that i made saturday night about the paradox of women who go to bars "just to have fun" and how "just having fun" constrasts sharply with the attire of having a dress on so tight that it looks as though it was painted on. Specifially i made reference to the symbolism of red lipstick and how it is a subconscious reference to swolen labia.

At first glance that might seem ridiculous, but again there's a reason for why people do certain things, then there's the actual motivator. Red lipstick is sexy. You'll rarely find advertising pictures where the models are featured using brown lipstick (unless the ad is specifically for brown lipstick). Likewise when an executive goes to give a major presentation, the lipstick is generally as far from red as you can get. Red lipstick has a very specific cultural meaning of sex. The meaning of that symbol is how it (the lipstick) is representative of sexual energy, sexual susceptibility, or in physical symbolism, swolen labia.

I realize this sort of observation is likely to get the ire of some people up. Not that i care. For more information and thoughts on this sort of thing, i suggest reading some Desmond Morris. Then watch how men "fagbash" then turn around and watch teams of men in tight pants holding each other (football). Watch how men will compete for the "best" female by attempting to impress them with sportscars, flagrant spending, etc... (the symbolism of flaunting money is to demonstrate that the male is financially capable of providing security). And while not all of us fall into these descriptions, it should be fairly obvious to anyone that many... most people do. My proof? Well, i simply ask that you observe the influence of advertising. Granted this is a rant for another time but suffice it to say that a typical beer ad might feature cross dressing men making asses of themselves for some nasty ass macrobrew. The beer isn't being sold. The image of being "young, dumb and having fun with cross gender role playing" is the actual content. The product is collateral. Cigarette ads don't sell on taste. Cigarette ads play on the energy of youth, the allure of someone smoking*, the "rough rugged individual" who smokes because he/ she WANTS to, etc...

As a side note, i can't help but to laugh at the idiots who have fallen for the latest advertising for Winston. "100% Pure Tobacco" Um, maybe the Tobacco is 100% tobacco. what about the fillers, what about the smoking of the Tobacco leaves? What about the chemicals added to give the cigarette a longer burn? But what gets me more than anything else with this campaign is how there are bound to be people out there so dumb that they would think that 100% pure tobacco might imply that it's healthier. Uh, no. That lump of cancer in your breast is 100% pure cancer. That tumor in your colon is 100% pure cancer. That chunk of your lung that needs to be removed is 100% cancer. That image you bought was 100% pure bullshit.

Well it was a bit of a diversion, going from subconscious motivators to advertising motivators, but the two have much in common. It's just easier to judge the actual content of advertisements versus our own behavior because 1) we are not objective to our own behavior and 2) i believe it is human nature to prevent ourselves from being too introspective. The latter reveals too much and is a very threatening thing to do. Perhaps i'll write more on that later.

* Not that anyone asked, but personally no matter how attractive i might find a woman, if she smokes, she has the attractiveness of a bag of wet hair from that point henceforth. No really.... i'd rather spend an evening dipping my dick into a bowl of chinese mustard than to go out with a smoker.
Later...

I never got around to that personal stuff from a few days ago and i've little reason to think i will now. Suffice it to say that sometimes people will make you into something that you are not for the sake of justifying their behavior. An extreme but common example of this is when a spouse accuses the other of cheating for no reason. It has been my experience that the accuser is usually the one fucking around.

Not that that's my case, mind you. No, but without being too specific, i've been vilified again recently. This is a technique my ex used to rationalize her behavior of leaving me some year and a half ago. In it's wake i was left guilt ridden and half believing the lies she made to justify her betraying me. Since then i've felt soiled. I've felt like there's this wet blanket of shame that i can't get out from under. Some days are better than others but recently someone has used this same technique to rationalize their behavior towards me. I am tired of being villianized, i am tired of people not being adult enough to give me the same respect i try to give them.

 

19 july 2000 :: learning new and exciting ways to hate the heat

For those of you who remember, last weeks show was a continuation of a good show i had last december. "What do women REALLY want?" And like last time, i wasn't looking for any kind of categorical affirmation that would describe each and every womans needs. No no no no no no no. As far as the content of the show goes, i can't say it was nearly as good as the previous time i had the same topic. That's not to say it was bad... it wasn't. I just feel it wasn't as outstanding as it was last December. But that's okay.

What i wanted to talk about tonight wasn't actually about the show. I wanted to talk about what happened AFTER the show.

After the usual array of threats and obscenities that i get after a show, this guy calls me. He's the same guy who likes to call and give me "fashion advice". I don't really care about his advice but he's a nice guy and frankly he makes me chuckle. And i mean that in a good way too.

Here is our paraphrased but still quite close to verbatim conversation:
Caller: Where did you graduate from?

Me: Southwest Texas State University.

Caller: Oh yea. I asked you to make the sign of the Bobcat and you didn't know what that was.

Me: Huh?

Caller: You put your hand up in the air and make a scratching motion

Me: Oh. Well, truth be told i never went to a football game there.

Caller: Why not?

Me: Well... I guess if i wanted to see a bunch of men in tight pants holding each other, i'd go to a gay bar.

There was this awkward moment and then a dead line. He hung up on me.

This really chapped my ass. I mean, here was a guy who apparently has watched my show before. He should have known outside the lesbian/ gay specific shows, i'm the most vocal homo-friendly show out there. When i made my comment about "...if i wanted to see a bunch of men in tight pants holding each other, i'd go to a gay bar." it was my sense of humor and nothing more. I think my sense of humor is pretty apparent and it should be equally clear that i'm nowhere near being a homophobe.

So guy, if you're out there reading this, please take note that i was kind of offended that you hung up on me like that. If i stepped on your toes, i expect you to stand up and say something about it. If you've seen me for any length of time, you know i meant no offense. But if you were offended, you need to speak up.

In other news i had a horrible night of sleep last night. I still have dreams about my ex. They used to be the kind of dreams where everything felt real. Her touch, the smell in the air, her voice that seemed to be only feet away... and in those dreams i would love her with the abandon that i once did.

And in those dreams she loved me the same... as she once did in real life... or as she once pretended she did.

It was horrible waking up after those dreams.

The dreams i have now are much less frequent and give no illusion of a day that my life used to be. Instead she stands in front of me and passes judgement. They're no fun, trust me.

I used to have either of these dreams every night for about a year. They've become less frequent to the point where they're more of an annoyance than anything else. The shitty part of them is how even after a decent number of hours of sleep, one of these nightmares can carve my quality sleep time in half. That makes my day at work much more frustrating.

And before you say it, i hate the taste of coffee.

L A T E R: Oh. Shellito's Choice Cut of the Night: Double Fine Zone by Spacetime Continuum. It's electronic, it's ambient of a sort and it has a lot of jazz influences worked in. Many of the compositions work in minor keys and it has a somber feel in many of the tracks. That's not to say that it's "mood music" or anything like that. It has depth, it has enough motion in it to groove to but it's good stuff to chill as well. If you like William Orbit, then i think you'll dig this as well.

 

19 july 2000 :: This is wrong and unholy

This catalog came in the mail today. I don't even know who it's from. Oh sure, i could take it off the scanner and look at it, but even though it (the company) has a name, the reality is that they're indistinguishable from each other.

This picture was on the back of it. To me, it represents all that is wrong and unholy in the typical americans perception of feminine beauty. There is no shape here. There is nothing to indicate the slightest hint of femininity here. This could be a girl, this could be a 15 year old boy.

Two things it is not is:
  • A woman -or-
  • attractive

    • Why are men in this country so obsessed with their women looking like boys below the boobs? Why are women falling for this bullshit? Oh well... there's are multi billion dollar industries out there that prey upon each and every womans insecurities. Might as well keep the marketing fucks and their advertising lackies employeed and the make up, magazine, food and fitness industries going strong.

    Men actually want to find women who look like this? Women without the slightest hint of sensuality, femininity or eroticism? Ah yes, this is the same group of people who like watching men hold each other and slap each others ass and play "smear the queer"[ ie: american football ]. It's all clearer to me now.

     

    26 july 2000 :: the chorus of silence

    I hate summer. Everyone who knows me knows i hate summer.

    For me, happiness begins at around 40 degrees. Okay, i like warmer weather too, but once it gets above 70, i get pissy. And that's why i live in... Austin, Texas ?

    Trust me, i'm not here for the weather.

    Alright, time to ponder the last show i did. Ummmmm... it was alright. The subject was, "Have you ever cheated on your partner and why?" I can't say there were many calls worthy of standing out for their honesty or brilliance. I did have one caller towards the beginning of the show who said,

    "Yea, I cheated on my woman."

    "Ooookaaay. Want to expand on that?"

    "She had nasty ass pussy."

    With a blank stare at the camera, "Oh really? What made her 'Nasty Ass Pussy' ?"

    "She was just Nasty Ass Pussy."

    This conversation wasn't old. No, just a few seconds old actually. But i'm good. Real good. And i could tell... this guy was a charmer.

    Yes, it's a slow night. I should be working on my Flash project, but i'm not. I've got all weekend to piss away doing Flash shit.

    I've decided on two changes i'm going to make to this site. Numero Uno is that i'm going to split the Journal away from Box of Bugs. True, the journal usually is inspired by something said on the show, but sometimes it's not. Sometimes i just need a place to sort my thoughts out. It is my belief that the way i have my journal in a place that is too esoteric for casual browsing. I'm still not sure how i want to handle the transition, but look for changes.

    Numero Two-O: i need a "nifty links" page. In other words, if something is just groovy, funny, silly, sick and twisted or a good place to buy Noodie DVD's, then i just want to have a place to put it all.

    Again, i have my entire weekend to piss away.

    The big thing, if it can be called a "big thing" by any stretch, is that i am now actively looking for a co-host to work with me on the show. Here is what i'm looking for:
  • A woman between the ages of 25 and 35.
  • Someone who knows how to listen
  • Someone with a slighty thick skin and a GOOD sense of humor.
  • Someone who can present herself well on camera.
  • Someone who is a slight exhibitionist and a slight masochist. Trust me, you need both to do live television.
    • You don't have to have a background in psychology or anything. Heck, i'd almost prefer if you didn't. But an ability to listen to someone without judgement, to be able to ask intelligent questions and most of all, to be able to provide a perspective that i can work with; a perspective that i have NO concept of. That is, a womans perspective.

    For those of you who remember the work that Melissa and i, then eventually Lila and i used to do, that's what i'm looking for.

    And okay... just to be honest here, but the show would just be a whole lot more watchable if there were a woman on the set with me. Seriously... i'm a dull bastard and who would want to watch 15 minutes, let alone 90 minutes of me? Besides really crazy psycho middle aged women who wear tin foil on their heads because it "...stops the mind control ray that the government uses to control me." (i'm just going out on a limb there, folks. If i just described you, seek professional help).

    If you're interested, write me, please.

    :: NOTE :: October 2000 :: i am no longer looking for a co-hostess, BUT if you think you might be interested in being on tee vee, feel free to contact me (see mailto link on above line).

     

    28 july 2000 :: the swarm of memories

    To anyone who knows me, they know that for the last year and a half, i'll go through periods where i start having difficulty distinguishing my memories of SF and the reality that i'm back in austin. It's very difficult to explain and granted it's not as difficult as it used to be. Imagine my frustration last summer as i would wake up from a nap and decide to walk to the Virgin Megastore on Market every friday afternoon (this is where my ex and i would meet every friday before going out for dinner).

    And that's just one example.

    But there's another memory that seems to be coming back to me more these days. As i stood at my grandmothers side as she slipped out of this world and into the next, i ran my hand through her hair. I never knew how soft her hair was until she was about to die. She had remarkable hands too. They hadn't aged well. Her nails were chipped, her veins were clearly visible through the skin that had long since lost their elasticity. But they were remarkable. They had age and they had history. I always wanted a picture of her hands to remember her by, but as that moment has long since passed and her body reclaimed by the earth that fed her for decades, i'm happy in the knowledge that i have this perfect vision in my memory of her... of her smile, of the way she would just quietly sit and listen to me and my uncle talk. I miss her and my grandfather at times.

    And just like those memories of San Francisco that i ocassionally have difficulty distinguishing from reality, i find myself reaching for the telephone on saturdays to call them.

    good night everyone.

     

    31 july 2000 :: autumn is one step closer.

    If a month has 5 weekends in it, all live shows are cancelled on that 5th weekend. I don't know why, i just know it's the rule. Apparently it was something that was enacted after i left for SF.

    Not a terribly big deal mind you. I need a break now and then, 'cept that i have this dreadfully old backup tape that even God is tired of seeing. I promised myself to submit a new tape before the next 5th weekend, but i managed to fuck that up.

    So July is about to end. As i write this, the waning hours of this month are upon us and in a very uncharacteristic display of mercy from nature, the skies are filled with darkness, ocassionally dotting the hot summer air with flecks of lightning and its accompanying thunder. Though anything is possible, it feels as though rain is inevitable.

    Oh. Remember that little rant i was doing about the absolutely disgusting state of what most american men (and indoctrinated women) consider to be a good ass? Well, it's downright difficult to find a proper shape to use as an example. Click here to look at some true examples of what a spankable bottom looks like. Note: you may need to resize your window to make the accompanying text look right.