Things went suprisingly well. Technically i was pretty pleased with the fact that i could set things up just as well now as i could before i left for SF. I couldn't figure out how to use the "new" character generator, but Ross bailed me out. One strange thing though... my microphone in the control room worked just fine during the sound check. When i went to do some narration at the beginning, nothing came out. Ross said that was a flakey port and suggested i move it to port 7 instead of 8. Next time i will.

Right off of the bat, my first caller was great. A youngish man who openly questioned his orientation. He honestly didn't know if he was gay or not. i was hoping that others would have called to give him suggestions, but he was my first caller on my first show. I didn't expect anyone to be watching that early on and unfortunately i was right. No one called to give him feedback. sigh...

I was genuinely impressed and happy with the number of people who said, "Welcome back, shelly." I really didn't expect it. Heck, the mail was all good too! It was good for the ego and i kind of needed it. And even though i didn't do much of a job of screening calls, i managed to get some decent callers in; men and women alike. i'm always amazed at that not because i think there are fewer intelligent men out there who want to talk... but rather, i know there are more UNintelligent boys out there who just want attention.

One thing i do regret about the show is that i ended up talking way too much about myself and my experiences in SF. I believe my experiences there were atypical of what the city is all about. But in a Comedy of Errors way, everything that could have gone wrong, did. And though i would give the last day of my life to do it all again, it seems i am denied such a luxury.

One of the ideas i'm tossing around these days is to get a caller and for 10 or so minutes, just interview him/her. It would be irreverent, silly and intelligent at the same time. Though i am loathe to mention him, it would be a Howard Stern-esque interview with one major exception: it would require a brain.

We'll see what kind of feedback i get.

Okay. normally i wouldn't be writing like this before a show, but i saw something last night that was so pathetic that it was funny.

So i'm at Dog and Duck last night getting a couple of pints of "therapy". i noticed a disproportionate number of androgynous "fem-males" walking about. Maybe there was some big happy lesbo-fest going on in town that i wasn't invited to. from the looks of it, i wasn't going to be doing much girl watching. "mister" watching, maybe. girl watching? noddachance.

My suspicions were confirmed when i watched a couple of "dudes" get out of a little offroad wannabe thingy. They had very short hair and packs of cigarettes rolled into the sleeves of their t-shirts.

So i'm sitting there waiting for some of my associates to show when i notice that this table in front of me had a couple of women talking to each other. It would have been pretty damned obvious to the average blind person that these women were trying to get to know each other better. I watch this "D00d" walk up to them and ask, "Hey, are ya'll busy?" And in true austin fashion, the women were nice and invited him to sit down and share a table. So i watch this guy who is acting like Otto (the Busdriver from the Simpsons) try to be all cool and swank and attempt these women who are, judging from appearances, are much more interested in smooching other women than having 'D00ds' try to get into their panties.

Eventually the women excused themselves to go into the Dog and Duck while "Otto" got into his Chevy Celebrity Station Wagon and drive away. Okay. I don't know if it was a Chevy Celebrity... all i know is it WAS a station wagon.

I got my thrill of the evening watching this wanker make a royal ass of himself. And while we all might be inclined to have a good hardy chuckle at his expense, we can always take solice in the knowledge that he wasn't as pathetic as the Lunatic Fringe Booger Elf Brigade (the paranoid, semi educated, angry white males who trumpet their hate as "patriotism" on ACTV).

I wonder if it'll ever occur to "Otto" that it's because of guys like him that some women figure it might be better to be gay.

The good things about tonights show? Well, Jack can hold his own against anyone, which i knew was going to be the case. I was also informed that from an entertainment perspective that it was probably fine. But for substance... for people calling and talking about THEIR life, their hopes, dreams, pain, happiness, abandonment, etc... i'd say this show was as worthless as they come. As usual the pranksters didn't bother to put any goddamned orignal thought into their "me too!" pranks.

But at least we got to talk about coffee enemas and vodka soaked tampons and vodka enemas. And folks, in case you didn't know, it's not just EVERY call in access show where you get to discuss such things. But hey! I'm willing to be the pioneer of such things for the greater good of Austin.

I went to Magnolia Cafe that night. My throat was extremely dry and irritable. As i half expected (okay, more than half), no one showed up. But i needed coffee so badly at that point that i went ahead and waited for a table. they weren't seating outside which kind of pissed me off 'cause it was a comfy 50 degrees or so out there.

So Magnolia Cafe is Magnolia Cafe. They let people smoke in there (another reason why they should have had the patio open), so fine. i'll deal with it. But why in Gods Holy Name did they think it was cool to be playing some gawddamned geriatric Ozzy Osborne concert CD? Whathefuckwasthatallabout? Why not whip out the Warrant? What about some Foreigner, Loverboy, some Cinderella or maybe dip into some Poison? I mean, while we're cranking out the geriatric pop tunes of rehashed rock and roll, why not get groovin to some lynrd skynrd or the marshall tucker band? hey, wouldn't it just be really fucking wonderful to eat this short stack of buttermilk pancakes to the fossilized sounds of Molly Fucking Hatchet?

Good grief. I'm starting to sound like Mike Fucking Jasper.

But wait! why do any of that when some short order burnout cook brought his Ozzy in Concert on CD? by the way, it takes a real artist to make a drum solo a solid work of art. some burnout tom tom banger going off for a quarter hour on a rock and roll drum solo was to music and the art of drumming what Irwin Allen was to realism and drama.

Okay. Rant is over. Sometimes you just gotta works out these sorts of things. But Ozzy while i'm trying to eat? My tolerance has a limit.

Oh. My coffee finally came. It wasn't as good as Katz's coffee, but what is? It hit the spot in my throat, which still hurt. It would have been nice to have had someone(s) to talk to. oh well... i think i'll just start having my post-show coffee by myself and quit having the unrealistic expectation of someone actually showing up.

Post note: i hope that as you read my rant that you actually laughed. Why just tell a dull story when it's so much more fun to spice it up and make people laugh?

What a perfect day today was. The rain last night was beautiful; a welcome symphony for the soul of Texas that has been parched for far too long. I was supposed to go to San Antonio but after i realized that my roommate was going to end up being here alone, i thought i'd stick around. And i'm glad i did.

Today was a perfect day for a motorcycle ride. But i didn't go. And for once i don't regret it. There was just something tranquil about today. One small incident aside, i managed to have a wonderful, stress free day. I got a lot of cleaning and consolidating done, threw out some crap that i no longer needed. And that's always a good thing. ended up emptying 7 boxes.

As if you care.

So i've been thinking about how i can bring some cohesion to the show. i think i'll start introducing topics for a few weeks and see how they go.

I lost my voice last night. See, i decided to go see the Icebats play. I didn't have a date or anything. Actually i managed to miss the turn and ended up in the sticks before i decided to turn around. Well by the time i got into the stadium, the bats were down 2-1. the first period had 7 minutes to go. sheesh... what a crummy start. No sooner than i sit down than i see the Corpus Christi Icerays slap another one in. They would score again to make it a dismal 4-1.

I don't know if the icerays are a good team or if the icebats just couldn't pull their shit together. People started booing particular players and letting their feelings be known. Well, in the third, the icebats managed to find their heads and pull them out of their collective asses. Within the first few minutes, it was 4-4, then eventually 5-4 in favor of the bats. The crowd was absolutely nuts. I was nuts. It was nutty.

After the Rays tied it up at 5-5, the game ended. Shootout time.

Shootouts suck, in my opinion, but i can't change the rules. And when it was all said and done, the bats won 6-5. It felt wonderful to be vindicated.

I went to grab dinner afterwards whereupon i realized that i had stripped my voice to nothingness. Absolute nothingness. Each time i tried to say something, i started gagging. I was afraid i wouldn't be able to do the show tonight. Fortunately i didn't do much shouting when i got home so after a night of rest, i have my voice back. Strangely enough, it is deeper than it usually is.

I went to Alien Records to get my Danny Tenaglia ticket for tonights show. While i was listening to some new sounds, i saw this absolutely gorgeous woman. Beautiful, beautiful face, medium length chestnut hair, incredible soft eyes with nice eyebrows (i adore full, soft eyebrows). She had hips... no wait... She had HIPS, a big round bottom, nice boobs and legs like a REAL woman has (i deplore skinny asses, no hips and"chicken legs" which most guys, gals and fashion magazines have mistaken as the standard for beauty).

And as i was watching this goddess, i watched as she leaned over picked up her baby. HER BABY ?!? HOLYSHITFUCKDAMNCRAP !!! argh! This is my equivalent of taking a motorcycle with a tachometer in the red and running it into a wall. But truth be told, if she'da had freckles and glasses, i would have worshipped her there and then. Stomach-Monkey^TM or not.

So tonight is the rave and the show. The last time i went to the Austin Music Hall, it was to see Orbital in the Community Service Tour. Good Lord, that was a miserable kind of hot. The floor was slick with sweat, the air was stale and i almost collapsed from heat exhaustion. Hopefully tonight will be different.

But what was remarkable or at least as memorable to me about the Community Service Tour, next to seeing Orbital, was an opportunity i missed. See, there was this woman dancing behind me. She was about 5'1" or 5'2", raven haired, nice brown eyes, wonderfully broad hips, a most curvaceous, full delicious bottom. Could she ever move! She was absolutely hypnotic.

It seemed that everytime i turned around, we locked eyes. Eyes are very important to me. I really wanted to walk up to her. I have no idea what i would have said or if she would have run away, but yaknow what? I was too chickenshit to take that risk. I'd look back and she'd be gone. Then she'd reappear. Our eyes would meet again. I really needed to meet this woman.

Eventually i turned around and she was dancing with some other guy. Granted, i'm not too pretty or easy to look at, but this guy was... well, fugly. It also looked like he was trying to grow his beard into dreadlocks. Oh, yummy are those dreadlocked beards!

So i when i think of regrets and opportunities missed, i often come back to that night. Since then i have made a concious effort to "take the plunge" when i'm interested in something but not entirely sure if it's something i should pursue or not. And while i'd love to say that i've taken that risk when it came to women, the truth is that i really haven't been that impressed with most of the women i've run into or seen lately. Honestly between the brunette at the Community Service Tour and the hourglass shaped woman i saw today, i don't think i've felt that instantly interested in anyone since i saw my ex for the first time (that was more than 5 years ago).

Well, that's not entirely true.

I had really been looking forward to the rave. So i left home early to dance for a while then go do the show. When i get there, i'm informed that once i go in, i can't come out. No hand stamps. i was really looking forward to checking out Coy West, a local dj that i've heard good things about.

So i had a decision to make. Do i go home and wait until it's time for the show or do i go have a beer and wait? I'm not real big on crowds of people i don't know, let alone that i'm not comfortable with but i decided to go to Fado for a pint. Fortune has a strange way of working sometime and i was fortunate enough to run across an old co-worker from the Power Computing days. If you worked at Power Computing, you'll understand the bond between most of us. Suffice it to say that it was a nice way to pass the time before i went to the studio.

I stuck with the topic for this episode. I think it went pretty darned well actually. I don't know if i already mentioned it but i decided to make the topic "What's the kinkiest/most bizarre thing that you've ever done to someone or that someone has wanted to do to you?" I figured some S&M stuff would be the pinnacle of oddness, but no. It just couldn't be THAT simple, could it?

Suffice it to say that it was the kind of stuff that not even Springer or Stern would probably air. Some of it they would have, some of it would have been pulled over concerns that the FCC would have fined them. Fortunately access television is cablecast, not broadcast so the influence of the FCC is greatly diminished.

If you didn't see the episode, i won't bother to recap. Suffice it to say that i got more than i expected. I guess i should never underestimate the power of "kink" on a saturday night when people have been drinking or are just too lonely and need some attention.

I lied. I'll recap.

scatology (from a woman who broke up with a guy because she did NOT want to be a part of that)

zoophelia (from a guy who told us about how an ex would pour substances on his back, belly for her dog to lick up. he quit seeing her)

the homoeroticism of the "money shot" in porn (i was hoping for some viewer mail on this one, but alas, none came. no pun, btw).

scatology (from the guy who was broken up with by the woman listed above)

The show was over and the set was down. It was 2am, i was kind of tired, but seeing danny tenaglia was something i had been looking forward to since i first heard he was going to be in town. I had to go. As i expected, no one i told about the rave showed up. Oh well... As for his set, i can't say it was anything like the Athens set he played on Global Underground 004. Where the Athens set was darker, extremely sexy and sensuous even, this set was more upfront energy without the subtly that i was hoping to find.

I was there, i was sober, i was perplexed by why kids were wearing particle masks. I mean, it's a pretty lame fashion statement to begin with and it has the practical application of... oh, nil. I was determined to stick it out, even though one of my toes started to blister at about 4am.

When it was over, i thought i'd feel tired. Hungry? yes. Tired? Not yet. But it wasn't difficult for me to fall asleep. What WAS difficult was staying asleep. I got to bed at 7am and by 11, i was up. Go figure.

And the particle filters? Turns out that if you rub some Vicks Mentho-lyptus on the inside and you're tripping on X (or "E", or whatever you call it), it increases the effect of the drug. Whatever. My big question is just how in the hell does someone get the inspiration to do this in the first place?

I had a topic lined up for saturday night but it had a particularly difficult meaning to me. I didn't relish the idea of bringing it up so i thought i'd let the public at large decide what they wanted the topic to be.

Simplicity is the key to elegance and this show was no exception. Someone called in and suggested the topic be, "What is it that women REALLY want?". I didn't need to hear another suggestion after that.

Here's what people said about what women *really* want.

 

what women said		what men said
funny (2 votes) be able to read their mind genuine and sincere to be allowed to be supportive compliments her personality (2 votes) maturity honor respectful supportive someone who can be interested in what i'm talking about be made to feel special well maintained ego non selfish gentle someone who will maintain relation emotional stability spirituality women don't know what they want (comment from a bisexual woman) someone who doesn't take life so seriously		love innocence nice/ respectful guy excitement friendship loyalty how you fuck em (hey, i'm just saying what some D00d said) romance an orange llama with some cheese someone who will give compliments, even in public a younger woman is looking for someone to help them work out their issues in life an older woman is looking for someone to compliment them (not in the verbal sense) (The last two statements were made by the same person)

Personally i think pretty much all of these answers reflect some sense of honesty and truth. The reality is that people are going to have different priorities and over the years, the expectations and desires of individuals will change. I do tend to think that a sense of humor is extremely crucial, though maybe not THE most important thing.

This is a tough question to answer for anyone i think because not only is the answer going to vary from person to person, but there is a considerable amount of pressure on us (esp. women in my opinion) that they conform to some sort of corporate image of what a woman is "supposed" to be. The pressure to live up to the factory processed images of books, music, magazines, television and movies can be intimidating. Of course the antithesis to this is confidence, but i honestly do not believe that magazines, books, television and movies can make a profit if they cannot exploit insecurities. If you're a confident woman, the media cannot influence you because you become your own peer pressure.

One of the more suprising elements of this was the fact that no one (man or woman) mentioned "confidence" as something women are looking for. One of my co-workers also pointed out that no one mentioned "communication" as something that is looked for. go figure.

I would like to take a moment and give my gratitude to all for making this such an exceptional show.

 

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5 december 1999 ::what do men really want, and why aren't most women gay?

I don't have a lot of time right now, so here's the table of what women say men want and what men say men want. The extra column is what *I* need and want.

what women said		what men said		what i said (or wanted to)
a lady in the kitchen, a whore in the bedroom a great friend (thanks Ms. J) a mommy surrogate (2 responses)		looks and brains; a woman who will go to a sports bar men tend to like lesbians (i'll comment on this below) someone who will laugh at mens jokes an equal (in all respects) someone more intelligent; to challenge our perceptions, help us grow unconditional love men just want dick (actual call) men want women to take charge		the usual stuff: honesty, kindness, compassion, etc... a girl by day, a woman by night non straight degreed or close to finishing school intelligent confident emotionally, confident sexually an ability to communicate a sense of humor very feminine very cultured (from comic books to art to jazz) young enough to enjoy house music, old enough to understand jazz does not subscribe to the programmed conventions of what constitutes a successful relation (more on this below) Physical Requirements brunette (maybe redhead or blonde but probably not) cute curvaceous big hips, big round bottom 34C minimum sensuous voice needs only to wear lipstick as makeup excellent hands (and knows how to use them) beautiful brown eyes (including nice eyebrows) freckles and eyeglasses are a nice addition

This was to be the counterpart show to last weeks show of "What Do Women Really Want?" Well, i can't say i was very impressed with the content generated but a friend of mine tells me that i'm too hard on myself.

Are guys really this shallow? Maybe. Very maybe. But that would be a simplification. I think the real issue to examine here is that guys tend to fear introspection. Ah yes, the fear of self examination has kept the alcohol industry stimulated for centuries and no matter how many turtlenecks are sold, it's likely to keep it stimulated for many more. Let's face it. Sensitivity is not cool. If you're not as stone cold and reserved as the characters that Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, William Holbrook, Hank Rollins, etc... play, then you're not a man. So how do most guys deal with being asked to be honest with themselves? Some tell a joke, some get mad, some get passive aggressive, some start to drink/ do drugs. I've even heard rumors that some guys will actually pause and think.

I shouldn't be too hard on my own sex. I understand the fear of being "too sensitive" or the fact that it's hard to make a change in my life if all i do is sit around and ponder the world and reflect on why i do the things i do and acknowledge the consequences for my actions. There were a few good callers who really had some introspection and honesty to share and i appreciate their effort. You'll find their comments below. But it seems that for every intelligent comment made, there were three or four ignorant or demeaning ones to follow.

One interesting caller was a woman who got sidetracked and commented on how bizarre and disgusting she found transvestites. Apparently she was in a resturant where there were a table of cross dressers. She wanted me to agree with her and "feel her pain". At one point she commented that she didn't understand it and she thought it was gross. My response to her was that though that it (cross dressing) is not a part of my culture or a part of my society, that i did not feel the need to condemn them simply because i don't understand them.

Someone later pointed out to me that though she found it disguisting, she couldn't help but to keep talking about it. America. A place for Americans.

Hell, very few people have an inkling about me and my beliefs. I'd hate to think that people would hate, despise and fear one another simply because we do not understand one another.

Two important things happened on this last show. An old friend of mine, Paul, showed up. I never knew Paul all that well. One night he just decided to show up at the studio and we hit it off. A few months later he and i met again in the dehumanizing salt mine known as MOS 11. You may have heard of it by one of its other names: Shit-Hole, Hell-Hole, The Daycare for Socially Retarded Engineers, Satan's Anus, Motorola, The Short Bus of Humanity, The Dregs, the Spiritual Meat-Grinder or The Cespool of Mediocrity.

But enough about that. Let's talk about me.

I was hesitant to list the things (listed in my column above) because they seemed a little too self-indulgent. And frankly they seem to be a little too self-indulgent here as well. I decided to go ahead and post it because i wanted to give an example of what level of response i am looking for on the show. As you can tell, i have a lot of criteria (some i hold to more firmly than others) and especially after putting it into writing, i can honestly say that as i get older, i seem to get pickier. Gone are the days of hormone filled cravings for every woman i thought was pretty. I still find a wide variety of women attractive but i've grown pickier and pickier on my standards when it women i would consider being serious about.

And why not? In my younger years, i felt guilty that i had difficulty being attracted to a woman who didn't have a certain shape or a certain look. Sure, mentally everything was there but something (on my part) was lacking. I felt shame in knowing that i was letting my emotional level be limited by a physical quality. It seemed shallow and if i were on the receiving end of a woman telling me "I can't be that attracted to you because you don't have long black hair.", i might be inclined to cry "foul". But the reality is that each of us need to be attractive to our partners and vice versa BUT we each need to be able to accomodate the fact that no one will ever fit our expectations 100%. I used to only date women who were 6'/ 6'+, but i've long since found that i'm extremely comfortable with a woman who is 5'2" to 5'4".

 

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30 december 1999 ::random thoughts from a random mind

i forgot to mention that my two recent shows, on 25 december and the upcoming show on 2 january are going to be reruns. yes, i would have much rather have spent my Christmas being assailed and abused my austins finest late night anti intellectual, homophobic rednecks, but instead i had the pleasure of shivering from fever and vomiting that day. besides, the studio was closed so what else was i to do?

and as for the upcoming show on 1 january, i was hoping to be sick that day too but alas, i have to be at work watching machines go belly up (if they do) after midnight. oh, the price of not using a Macintosh. i mean, Microsoft has made an absolute fucking empire on patching legacy, sloppy and Shit-Stupidİ code. And they win praise and merit from the hoards of socially inept wanks who feed that reactionist, anti-visionary corporation.To this day Microsoft has released no less than 6... count 'em SIX patches to their NT v4.0 operating system. One of the largest goals of these patches (what they cleverly call Service Packs") is to make sure their machines don't go straight to hell come the year 2000.

They sure wouldn't have far to go.

Oh. In case you were wondering, there have been exactly zero Y2K compliance updates to the Mac OS. It doesn't need them.

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