IMPORTANT ! As for December 2000, i have retired
Box of Bugs and have
elected to not pursue another series. I might do an episode now and then as
my schedule
permits, but i do not see myself ever starting another series; live or otherwise.
My eternal thanks
to those of you who supported me and made all of my shows the best non music
live call in
shows that have ever been aired on ACTV.
How do i get in touch with you?
I thought you moved to San Francisco.
D00d! Like, what's your problem with guys?
Why do you always put yourself down?
What are your qualifications for giving advice?
I don't like what you said about women you find attractive!
I find your show offensive. What do i do?
Box of Bugs is a metaphor for many things. In our world, bugs are often very misunderstood, shunned, exterminated and most bugs in our world remain unseen. There are some animals that are mistaken as bugs, such as spiders and scorpions. There are bugs like butterflies that are often the subjects of adoration, yet serve a very limited role in the ecology of things compared to say... those animals that help decompose and change materials.
So in a very real sense, the beetles, pillbugs, roaches, earwigs and silverfish of this world provide more of a service to ecology by taking materials and transforming them into substances which can be used as soil again. The yellowjackets, wasps, hornets, bees provide more of a service to the ecology than butterflies because they not only maintain balance with other bugs (by eating them), but some of them cross pollenate plants as well.
The allegory of bugs is that they are often quite scarry and creepy to behold. The same with our own thoughts. Our own desires. There is nothing more fearsome in this world than to behold who we truely are, what we're capable of and facing the reasons behind our actions when we do something we don't understand. Bugs, in the context of this show, are desires- known and repressed. Bugs are fears, impulses, urges that scare us. Bugs are hopes, desires, the need to love, the need to be loved, the need to feel another persons touch, the need to be accepted and the need to find happiness within ourselves despite our faults; despite the mistakes we have made.
The Box as allegory has come to represent something which is capable of holding and containing as well as releasing and sharing. This is not always a good thing.
Box, in this context, is a metaphor for intellect, spirituality, sexuality, emotions, etc... They are each within us and are only capable of being understood when we peer into them to see the bugs we carry.
When is Box of Bugs on?Box of Bugs is about you. As with my previous shows (Catharsis, Sex & Ice, Red Herrings, BubbaVision), i encourage people to call and talk about their lives. It can be something happy, it can be about lost hopes, shattered dreams, betrayal, love, abandonment, fufillment, etc... As always, it is a personal mission in my life to encourage people to be happy in their sexuality, so i expect this show to have a slant towards sexuality in all of its forms. The morally void, repressive Neo-Victorianism that is sweeping this country scares me deeply. The darkest most violent people in this world are those who are least comfortable with their selves. The ones who will not acknowledge their own desires, their motivation; those who will not look inside the box in their life to see the bugs they carry and nurture.
All too often, violence is not committed by those who are gregarious and outspoken. And i'm not speaking exclusively about the physical violence in our world. There is the violence of ignorance (which we are all guilty of). There is the violence of indifference, the violence of abandonment, the violence of isolation.
I have also come to the conclusion that the most dangerous people about us are those who repress their desires, who do not... or cannot communicate their needs or desires. They lay waste to the most precious things in their lives because they lash out for reasons they do not understand. And while they might feel better about the destruction they bring, they still harbor and nurture bugs they refuse to face.
naturally the followup question for this is: I thought you moved to San Francisco.
As of December 2000, i have retired from doing live television. I may go back now and then as my schedule (and ideas) permit, but i do not see doing another series again.
How do i get in touch with you?"
You can write me at this address. Note: i do not always have the time to answer all the mail i might get in a timely fashion. Also, there are going to be pieces of mail that i will not respond to at all. I did. I left Austin because i felt that there was nothing left for me here. I outgrew Austin a couple of years ago and instead of letting myself go stagnant here, i followed my wife/girlfriend to San Francisco where we were going to start our lives again. It should be fairly obvious that things didn't work out. All i will say about that situation is that i am not ready to talk about the details of what happened to the general public. A few people know and that's fine with me. All i will say about what i lost in San Francisco is that i encourage people to communicate, communicate, communicate! If your needs aren't being met, figure out what it's going to take to have them met. Give your partner hope. Give your partner a reason to keep loving you. Give yourself a reason to believe in your self and the person that brings your life meaning. In the end, the root of optimism is not some Hallmarkesque drunken stupor where the world is filled with cute little fat babies, butterflies and Teletubbies. Optimism is about giving and receiving hope. It is about believing and living your life in accordance with the power of love. Optimism is about being able to communicate in the worst of times and knowing that if you can just work through the rough times, the wonders and splendors of tomorrow are yours for the harvest. I am back in Austin for the sake of work. It's a good job with good people and what i'm hoping is an excellent future. But Austin has been what i call, "Starbucked". Austin isn't any different than cities like Seattle and San Francisco. Where once upon a time, tolerance and diversity was the battle cry of this once calm oasis in an angry sea of hate filled Bible Belters, the battle cry of Austin these days is, "Expand!" "Franchise", "Semiconductor", "Mortgage", "Business" and most importanly, "PROFIT!". And when my time here is done, i will leave again. No. of course not. It's a sad truth but i actually have to explain to people that everything they see on television presented in the context of entertainment is actually an illusion. Only the most feeble minded and socially retarded people would walk up to an actor like say... Patrick Stewart and ask if he's REALLY the captain of the Enterprise. It's the same as if you walked up to Dan Castenella (the voice of Homer Simpson) and asked if he ever just wanted to beat the snot out of Bart. But when it comes to me and my show, it's a constant battle to explain to some Austinites that what i do is entertainment and i'm not the same on TV as i am in person. I'm there to entertain, folks. If you laugh, great. You've made my day better. If i manage to say something to make you think, great. If i manage to do both at once, i've made the world a better place. (and having just said that, i'd like to take the time to recognize one of my personal patron saints, Bill Hicks. You may bow your head in respect now.) Who i am on TV is simply an alter ego. That's the effect the camera has on me. Some people would choke on live TV, some people flourish. I'm one of the latter. If i were to try to do the same thing on a stage, i would probably shrivel. Despite how much denial and repression you might be in, the base reality is that each of us are exhibitionists, each of us are voyeurs. Now, we may be these things to different degrees but ask yourself, why do married women wear skimpy bathing suits to the beach? Why do married men dress their best when they go to church? Why do people in commitments drive sports cars? The reality is that each of us like to "peacock" in different ways. When i'm on the air, i am a different person. To be more specific, certain parts of me are exaggerated, certain parts of me are shut off. I don't think it would do anyone justice for me to try to explain what i'm like in person. I can say that i'm more reserved, bordering on shy if i don't know you. I have a firm handshake and i shun people who won't make eye contact. I only cut up and laugh with people i know and trust. If i'm quiet around you, i probably don't know or trust you. Though i like to give kneejerk smartass remarks on the air (remember, it's entertainment), i'm much less likely to say anything caustic in person. I will make exceptions to people who are openly cruel to others for the sake of self satisfaction. D00d! Like, what's your problem with guys? Here's the truth. Statistically speaking, i'd say more than 90% of the attempts at prank calls are from boys. Most of the remaining 10% are girls who have been co-erced by their boys to prank call. The glaring reality is that when women call, they tend to be more articulate, intelligent and thoughtful in their words. Why? Well, i'm sure i know some women who would mutter something about lacking a chromosome under their breath on this one, but it is my suspicion that more boys are interested in hearing their own voice screaming obscenities over their television than actually trying to engage their head. "Multimedia Masturbation" is basically what it boils down to. This contrasts sharply with women, who tend to be more aware of the world around them. You know how we were told in school that girls mature faster than boys? Generally speaking it's a trend that continues through most of life. This is not to give women any categorical credit, mind you. It's just that most guys refuse to grow up and be aware of anything around them that doesn't have a direct impact on them. For as long as i've done live television, i've had hundreds and hundreds of guys calling me up to ask me if i'm gay. No. that's not right. Usually they call to TELL me i'm gay. I know that sounds strange but if you've seen the show, you know what i mean.
Why do you always put yourself down? It's my half assed attempt at some degree of humility. As a friend of mine says, "Shelly, no matter how bad ass we each think we may be, there's always someone out there who is smarter, stronger, faster, better looking, richer and has a bigger dick than you." I try to find ways of making sure i never forget that. What are your qualifications for giving advice? I don't like what you said about women you find attractive! Sigh... it's sad but true. I actually feel compelled to put this here. See, i used to know someone that i was friends with. At one point (okay... several points), we played around. We both knew it wasn't for love. We both knew it was just two people making each other feel good and we acted accordingly. But she would see me on Tee Vee and ocassionally i'd discuss what kind of woman i find most attractive. In this case, she took offense that i prefer women with a C or D cup. She got all bent out of shape because she was an A cup. Her insecurity and neuroticism are what eventually broke our friendship. It's true. I won't date mommies and i won't date smokers and i never never NEVER want children. I generally do not like blondes (i see one each time i look in the mirror so the novelty is gone). I don't care for goths. If all you have is a high school degree, i won't date you. If you're 100% heterosexual, you're going to bore me to tears (Straight women are so unforgiveably dull). If you have a skinny bottom with no hips or ass, you'll remind me of a 12 year old boy or a some Cosmo/ Vogue model. If you have a spare tire, you ain't gonna get neekid for me... ever. If you're in your mid to late twenties and you're still listening to the same thing you were listening to when you were in high school, you don't have what it takes. If you don't know who people like Phillip Glass, Camille Paglia, Cy Twombly, Franz Kline, Pat Metheny or John Coltrane were/ are, then we have nothing to talk about. Before anyone says it though, no. a C or D cup is not NEARLY enough to make me interested in a woman. Sheesh... i'd just be another wanker with a mommy fetish if that were the case. If i feel like it, i'll eventually discuss (here) what i find attractive... physically, mentally, culturally, emotionally, spiritually... I find your show offensive. What do i do? As stated above, you have the right to change the channel. If you do not
exercise your rights, you and only you can be held accountable for your
error. If you do not understand how to change the channel, simply turn off the
TV, remove it and put it at the curb. If you cannot do this, ask someone
to remove your eyes from your sockets. You can find some stupid goth boi
to do this for you for fun. I am not your babysitter. If you are so Shit-Stupidİ that you leave your
little stomach monkeys in front of the television on a saturday night after
midnight, then not only are they likely to learn more from me than anything
you can ever teach them, but the reality is that you're not fit to be a
parent. In other words, quit your damned bellyaching and take some goddamned
responsiblity for the life of your child/ children. The television is not a baby sitter, nor is it a scapegoat for your inability
to distinguish reality from fantasy.
I thought you moved to San Francisco.
i do not know but she doesn't care to meet you, all the same.
Me: Hi. You're on the air.
Caller: Shelly, are you some kind of fag or something?
Me: No, but i appreciate your desire to know the
sexual preference of another man. What kind of fag did you want me to
be?
Caller: Fuck you Faggot!
Me: Wait. You're the one who called me to ask
me about your desire for me to be gay and you already want sex?
Caller: Fuck you. You're the faggot!
Me: Why do you want me to be gay for you?
Caller: That ain't what i'm saying. I'm saying you're
gay!
Me: I'm guessing that the part of the show where
i was talking about a woman i've dated or am dating gave you this revelation?
Caller: You just look like a fag.
Me: So you have this magical ability to look
at another man and know if he's gay? Is looking at men something you spend
a lot of time doing at rest stops and bars where most the guys look like
cops or race car drivers ?
Caller: Fuck you, you faggot!
Me: (disconnecting the call) See?
you do nothing but prove my point. You want me to be gay, you want me
to have sex with you, you refuse to acknowledge your own pent-up desires
for other men. But that's okay. I'm glad i could be an outlet for you
to finally hear your own voice admitting that you desire other men. There's
hope for you yet. You're not nearly as pathetic as you believe you are.
This is television. This is ENTERTAINMENT ! Why is it that i'm always riddled with this question yet the hate filled, homophobic rhetoric of Dr. Laura Schlenger is never questioned? The truth is that i am younger and probably less experienced than her, but the reality is that i'm better at offering advice than she can ever be. Yet people continue to insist that i provide some quantification for doing what i do. here it is:
I have done call in shows like this since the mid 90's. I have spoken to hundreds of people about issues ranging from the banal to the extraordinary. I do not field questions dealing with abuse, drug use, child abuse or any other subject where i feel there is a clear and present need for clinical and/or legal intervention. If someone does have a situation they just need to talk about, i will let them. If i can, i will recommend a service or facility (such as the Austin Battered Womens Shelter or Planned Parenthood).
If the fact that i always prequalify my show as entertainment and a casual ear who might ask some questions and give some spontaneous advice is not enough for you, i will ask that you exercise your right to change the channel. If you fail to exercise your right to change the channel, only you can be accountable for hearing things you do not like.